


A Good Idea, Right?

by LookingForOdysseus



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Canon What Canon, F/M, How Do I Tag, Twilight AU, Vampires, all the cullens are chaotic dumbasses, anyway enjoy, bella is barely in it because i Said So, they're just fucking stupid, this was a joke and got out of hand, vine references galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 30,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24110293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LookingForOdysseus/pseuds/LookingForOdysseus
Summary: Bella believes the Cullens are vampires. They know this isn't true, but go along with it anyway. Chaos ensues. Carlisle has an extensive scarf collection. Esme's into gardening. Rosalie is exasperated. Emmett says yeet a lot. Edward's going full method. Alice is a morning person. Jasper's bad a math.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale
Comments: 203
Kudos: 199





	1. This is a bad idea

**Author's Note:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

Edward Cullen liked to imagine he was a sensible person. He wasn't like Emmett, who had once tried to jump out of a third-story window purely to see how many bones he would break; or like Alice, who traveled everywhere with a bag of glitter in her pocket to throw at people randomly; or even like Rosalie or Jasper, whose copious amounts of brain cells were combined with an inability to say no to their romantic partners' stupid ideas. Edward Cullen thought before he acted, never spoke out of turn, always made his bed in the morning, and put his dishes away without his mother having to ask him to do so. Edward was, well, a good boy. Or boring, depending on who you asked.

Therefore, Edward had no idea why, when the cute new girl from his biology class told him she thought he was a vampire, he just went along with it. He had taken her into the woods behind the school with the intention of finally getting his first kiss, but instead found himself confessing to a supernatural identity he most definitely didn't have.

"Then ask me the most basic question," he heard himself say, wondering absent-mindedly whether he had somehow been possessed by Emmett's spirit. "What do we eat?"

Bella didn't answer his question, only restated that she was not afraid of him. She shouldn't be, since Edward was the kind of person Rosalie had to kill spiders for, but if she actually thought he was a blood-sucking monster, that was a pretty stupid move.

He was certain she would start laughing hysterically any moment now, and that his siblings would jump out from the trees around them, filming everything that was going on. The longer the silence continued, however, the more Edward started to realize she may not be joking at all.

Later that afternoon, Edward banged open the door to his parents' house and threw his stuff on the floor in the hallway, running up the stairs to the living room two steps at a time. He only stopped to throw a kiss at the picture of his mother hanging at the top of the stairs, in between her sisters' portraits. Carlisle said the only reason he knew for certain which triplet was which was because they were wearing different colored shirts, but Edward would recognize Elizabeth Cullen anywhere.

Rounding the corner into the living room, he could hear his siblings before he saw them.

"Jasper," Emmett said, serious tone indicating he was about to say something completely inconsequential that he saw as highly important. "I bet that I can never call you by the same nickname twice until we go to college."

Edward came in as Jasper raised his eyes from the paper in his hand to his brother, who was sitting on the floor across from him. Jasper smoothed over the frown on his face, which was enough to tell Edward what subject he was working on. Math was the only thing Jasper, a history nerd, couldn't get straight A's in with his eyes closed and his hands tied behind his back. Rosalie and Alice had their books sprawled across the coffee table, but had clearly given up on studying for the day, and were discussing whether the dress they were looking at was Rosalie's color or not.

"I'll take that bet," Jasper said, then turned back to his math problem, probably just trying to get his brother off his back.

Rosalie was the first to speak to Edward. "Hey Eddie," she said, smile turning into a concerned look. "Where were you? We had to call mom to come pick us up- she was livid, you made her late to her gardening club."

Edward could feel a drop of sweat crawling down his spine, but wasn't certain whether that had to do with his mother's wrath hanging over his head or the situation with Bella he had gotten himself into. "I had a little… complication."

Emmett looked up. He was writing an essay, his seventh draft judging by the crumpled up pieces of paper that were strewn around the waste basket in the corner of the living room. "Did it have anything to do with the new girl from Arizona you've been crushing on?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Possibly," Edward mumbled, flopping down next to Jasper on the couch. Jasper made room for him without looking up, still engrossed in the math problem. "It's kind of… weird."

Emmett and the girls burst out into laughter. "Don't worry, we can take it when things get freaky," Alice giggled.

Rosalie rolled her eyes at her sister and said: "What is it, Edward, maybe we can help."

"She thinks we're vampires and I may have confirmed that idea," he said simply. Even Jasper looked up then, confusion almost palpable, and Edward could practically see the question marks dancing across his siblings' minds.

"How the hell-" Rosalie started, but she was interrupted by Emmett who jumped up and yelled: "Edward, that's the best idea you've EVER had!"

Alice was clapping her small, slim hands in excitement, but the Hale twins exchanged a hesitant look. They would be the hardest to get on board with the shadow of the plan that was forming in Edward's mind, as they lacked the fervent love for chaos the Cullens all seemed to share. An asset that Edward, until recently, thought had passed him by.

"I don't know…" Jasper started a sentence which Rosalie finished: "Whether that's very nice towards the girl." They didn't have twin telepathy often, but it was clear the two were on the same page when it came to this topic.

Edward shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know what came over me in the moment, but now that I'm in the middle of it, I'm just curious to see how far we can take it."

Alice nodded, a sparkle in her deep brown eyes that told Edward she was up to no good. "We should lay some ground rules about the whole vampire-thing, though. Otherwise she'll catch on immediately."

"Most importantly, how do we go out in the sunlight?" Emmett said. "I don't really feel like wearing kitschy rings like in The Vampire Diaries." Edward suppressed a smile; that was one of Rosalie and Alice's favorite shows, and Emmett had always pretended to be above it.

"We can just say it's a myth," Edward proposed.

The twins exchanged an exhausted look, but seemed to accept that they had passed the point of no return. "So, we're doing this?" Jasper said.

"Apparently," Rosalie sighed. "But I refuse to kill people, even if it's just pretend."

"Babe!" Emmett yelled in disappointment. "That's like, a vampire's calling card."

Rosalie crossed her arms. "I don't care, Em," she said, looking up at his towering form in defiance. "Make something up, I'm not killing anyone.

"Maybe we can drink animal blood, like Stefan," Alice mused, mind still on The Vampire Diaries. "We're, like, 'good vampires'." She added air quotes around the last two words with her fingers.

Edward nodded. "Sure, that sounds great, anything else? Or shall we just wing the rest as we go along?"

A devilish grin appeared on Emmett's face. "I'm always in favour of winging things." He crumpled up his final attempt at the essay draft into a ball, turning around to size up the waste basket that stood maybe four feet away from him. "Yeet!" he yelled dramatically, and the paper ball hit the wall about ten inches away from the bin. "One of these days," Emmett sighed wistfully.

"Wait, one more rule," Alice said, an uncharacteristically serious look on her face, and the group turned to her. "Mom and dad cannot know." The others nodded, and she amended: "Dad, maybe, depending on how long we keep this going. Mom will have our heads, so her absolutely not." She stuck out her little finger. "Promise?"

The others hooked their fingers into each other to form a circle. It was a habit Alice, Emmett, and Edward had had when they were children and still just cousins. They had kept it going when they were adopted by Carlisle and Esme, and had expanded the circle to include the twins when they joined the family three years later.

"I promise," they said as one.

When Edward left the room to go pick up the things he had left so haphazardly at the front door, he could just hear Jasper mutter: "This is going to end so, so badly."

"Oh, certainly," Alice chirped. "But we'll have a hell of a lot of fun before it does."


	2. So far, so good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

When she jumped out of bed the next morning, Rosalie realized she couldn't remember the last time she had been this curious about what the school day would bring. Despite her hesitations around flat-out lying to this poor new girl, she couldn't wait to see Edward, Alice, and Emmett try and jump through all the crazy hoops this plan would put in front of them while Jasper struggled to keep a straight face. Her twin brother was probably the worst liar in human or vampire history, and she already felt sorry for him.

She pulled on the outfit she had picked out the night before with the sound of the shower in the background. Unlike Rosalie herself, Alice, with whom she shared a bathroom, was one of those people that got up at 5 AM for no other reason than to perform an extensive morning routine, that included yoga, meditation, painting, and whatever else she currently had as a hobby; Alice tended to pick up and discard those like they were post-it notes.

Skipping down the steps, Rosalie went to the kitchen, where Jasper was sitting at the table alone, focused on his math homework. She sat down next to him, bumping her shoulder into his.

"Still struggling, little brother?" she asked teasingly.

Jasper took his eyes off the paper long enough to roll them at his sister, before turning back to his work. "Three minutes, Rose, three minutes," was his only answer.

"Best three minutes of my life," Rosalie finished their spiel. "Are you excited to meet Bella at school today?"

Jasper groaned, putting his head down on the table. "I've been trying to forget about that. I'll probably laugh and ruin the game within ten seconds, and then Alice will never talk to me again."

Rosalie patted him on the back sympathetically, but couldn't prevent a smile from spreading across her face. "We're taking my car to school today, so, if it helps, I can just put All I've Ever Needed on repeat and we can have a little sing-a-long."

Jasper looked up. "That's sweet, but Emmett will try to jump out of the moving car within five minutes."

Rosalie tossed her blond curls over her shoulder. "Sounds like Emmett's problem."

Emmett did indeed try to escape when Rosalie and Jasper went into their third consecutive rendition of their favorite song, but Rosalie had locked the doors, so Emmett was left pounding on the windows as Alice had an unhelpful laughing jack next to him.

Rosalie's morning classes were uneventful, but she knew the real fun would start at lunch. The twins, fresh out of their math class, met up with Alice and Emmett at their usual table. Rosalie immediately claimed half of Emmett's chair to put her feet up and Jasper sat with a hand casually on the back of Alice's chair. They didn't really socialize with the rest of the school; Rosalie didn't see the point of it, when your family consisted of your boyfriend and best friend, your other best friend, your twin brother who was also your best friend, and your fourth and final best friend. When Emmett had been on the football team last year, one of his teammates had often sat with them, but the boy had graduated and Emmett had quit the team, not interested anymore without his 'bro' to make it fun. They did intermittent fasting as a family, since Carlisle claimed it improved digestion, so none of them bothered to stand in the lunch line. Rosalie could see Emmett's excitement in the tension in his shoulders and the way his dark eyes scanned the cafeteria. He only relaxed a little when she put her hand in his.

Edward and Bella entered about five minutes into the lunch period. Bella got her food and, after much insistent waving from Emmett, the two of them sat down at the Cullen table. Rosalie let her gaze wander through the cafeteria for a moment and realized the whole room was staring at them.

Edward introduced them and Emmett leaned over towards Bella. "So, how are you doing, with… everything?" he asked softly.

Bella looked at Edward, who shrugged. "We don't have secrets in our family, you know, with my mind reading-"

"And my future seeing!" Alice chirped. The sentence earned her a horrified look from Edward and a big grin from Emmett, while Jasper tightened his grip on the back of her chair. Rosalie could see the corners of her twin's mouth creeping up into a smile he tried so hard to suppress.

Bella, however, looked only intrigued. "You can see the future?" she asked, and Rosalie almost rolled her eyes. Was there nothing this girl wouldn't believe?

Alice nodded earnestly. "The future can always change, as it's subject to people's decisions, but I can see the path they're on while they're on it." She had given herself quite a nice margin for error there, and Rosalie decided that 'thinking of cool vampire powers' was clearly a step Alice had added to her morning routine.

"I'm sure you saw me coming then," Bella said, and a smile appeared on her face. Suddenly, Rosalie could see the features that had made Edward fall for her as hard as he had. When Bella smiled, she was beautiful, chocolate eyes sparkling and dark hair shining in the UV lights.

Alice simply grinned mysteriously at Bella's comment. So, there was a limit to how far she had thought ahead. Emmett, Rosalie was certain, had been far less detailed than his sister in the planning of his vampire persona. He had a tendency to start a sentence before he knew where he wanted it to go, and this really couldn't be any different.

"So, can the rest of you do anything special?" Bella asked, taking a bite of her sandwich.

Emmett flexed. "Who needs superpowers when you've got these guns?" The comment earned him a soft chuckle from Jasper. Looking over, Rosalie could see the strain in her brother's face that made it clear this whole situation was one more lie away from getting too much for him to handle. She was almost impressed he had been able to time his laughter so it could be seen as a response to Emmett's joke.

Rosalie flashed Bella what she knew was an award-winning smile. "I don't need powers to get people to do what I want," was all she said.

Bella clearly didn't doubt that and turned to Jasper, who shrugged, face straining as if he was in pain. "I'm just chilling," he said, which Bella seemed to accept as an answer. "In Cedar Rapids," he added, so softly only Alice and Rosalie, who sat next to him, could hear it.  
Alice threw him an angry look and put a hand on his arm. "You'll have to forgive Jazz his lack of speech, he's new to this whole vegetarian thing," she said sweetly, although it was also clearly a hint to Jasper to shut the hell up. That comment induced the first look of concern Rosalie had seen on Bella's face since she sat down to have lunch with a group of vampires. About time, she thought.

That afternoon, Rosalie and Jasper were waiting for their siblings to emerge from the school. They saw Bella standing next to the piece of scrap metal she called a truck, apparently Edward's attempts at driving her to school that morning had been unsuccessful, and she waved at them, which Rosalie answered with a curt nod while Jasper threw up a peace sign.

From behind, they heard Edward and Alice approach, Alice's high voice dancing above the choir of students. Alice greeted Jasper with a kiss on the cheek and Rosalie with a pat on the arm, while Edward only nodded to them in passing.

"I'll see you guys back home," he said. Bella saw Edward walk past them and turned around, probably pretending she hadn't seen him so he could 'surprise' her with his arms around her waist or hands in front of her eyes. It was a tactic Rosalie herself was no stranger to.

She was just musing that a devoted girl like Bella was probably the worst thing that could happen to Edward's ego when the sound of scraping car wheels fled across the parking lot. She heard Alice gasp in horror as a car slipped across the icy concrete towards Bella, who was frozen in fear. Edward, meanwhile, was sprinting towards her, luckily closer than Bella probably would have thought. The last thing Rosalie saw was Edward grabbing Bella's shoulders and pushing her against her truck before the horrific noise of metal crashing against metal boomed through the car park.


	3. We survived but we're dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

During the short ambulance ride to the hospital, Edward once again reflected on what an incredibly lucky bastard he was. He could have been crushed like, well, a scrawny seventeen-year-old in a car crash, but here he was, not a scratch on him, being taken to the hospital despite his own loud protests. Bella, too, looked fine, leaning back in the chair they had put her in. Fine, apart from the bit where she was convinced he had stopped the car with his bare hands, of course. Yes, he had stuck out his hand instinctively, but the curb and Bella's truck had done most of the heavy lifting.

Through the back window of the ambulance he could see the headlights of his car. Despite Edward insisting there was nothing wrong with him, Rosalie had demanded to come to the hospital, so she was driving the Volvo while the other three went home in Rose's car and warned their mother about the incident. Edward wasn't certain whether her reaction would consist of anger at his stupidity or relief at his survival, but decided to put it out of his mind until he had dealt with his father. Dr Cullen was no doubt waiting for him at the hospital, not only to make sure his youngest didn't have any internal bleeding, but also to explain that those beautiful hazel eyes of his were a great way to prevent getting into situations like this.

Although Carlisle was technically his uncle, Edward and his cousins referred to him as their father, and had done so since a few months after Carlisle and Esme had adopted them. Emmett, Alice, and Edward were the children of Carlisle's three older sisters, triplets who, according to him, had been put on this earth to do two things: annoy their parents and adore the little brothers they had been given when they were ten. Their children had been born within a year of each other, Emmett first, then Alice, and, finally, Edward. Even death hadn't been able to separate the Cullen sisters, as the women and their partners had passed away in the same fire at a restaurant, while Carlisle and his wife were babysitting their children, six and seven at the time. It had been natural for the couple to keep the kids, and Edward had grown to associate the word 'dad' much more with Carlisle than with the hazy figure he was certain must be his biological father.

When they got to the hospital, Edward was cleared by a nurse practitioner without a doctor having to take a look at him, which meant he was free to go and find Rosalie in the waiting room.

"Is everything okay?" she asked breathlessly, the worry in her eyes making Edward's heart weep. Rosalie and Jasper had joined their family three years after the others, and Rose had immediately stepped into the role of overprotective eldest sibling, a part she still performed with vigor.

"I'm absolutely fine," Edward reassured her. "Should we talk to dad before we go?"

Rosalie nodded. "And I hope that today has shown you this whole 'let's pretend to be vampires'-thing is a bad idea. She didn't even move, just looked at you in the hope of being saved," she spat at Edward. "A girl almost died because you, Emmett, and Alice wanted to have a laugh."

"She didn't even know I was close enough to help her," Edward countered. "Besides, the curb stopped the car, she would've been fine either way."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "That's not the point, Edward, the point is that, now you've 'saved her life'," she added air quotes with her fingers, "she'll assume you'll do that all the time. Next time, a washing machine will fall on her head, or some madman will come at her with a knife, and she won't defend herself because she thinks you can figure it out for her. 'I like pretending to be a vampire' isn't a good enough excuse to put her life in danger." She crossed her arms but suddenly stiffened, eyes going wide as she looked over Edward's shoulder.

"Why in the world would Edward be pretending to be a vampire?" a soft, smooth voice asked from behind Edward. He turned around to find Carlisle staring back at him, immaculately dressed as always, except that he had replaced his usual scarf with a white coat. "Does this have anything to do with Bella saying she wouldn't betray us while her father was talking to Tyler?"

Edward bit his lip, refusing to look his father in the eye. "Bella, for some reason, thinks we're vampires and I... have done nothing to change her mind," he mumbled.

To his surprise, Carlisle let out a soft laugh, a kinder version of Jasper's dry chuckle. "Maybe you're a true Cullen after all, instead of a changeling like me. Your mother would have done the exact same thing," he said, hands deep in the pockets of his coat.

Rosalie let out an exasperated sigh. "Please tell me you have enough sense to end this, dad," she said, so loudly that a woman across the waiting room looked up from her magazine.

Carlisle sussed her. "Let's talk about this at home, shall we?" he said, nodding to somewhere behind Rosalie and Edward. They looked around to see Bella peeking around the corner, watching their fight. The two of them agreed, and Edward went to talk to Bella to keep up their little game of pretend for what may be the last time.

When Rosalie and Edward got home, Esme came running into the garage when she heard the car pull in. Edward smiled as he stepped out of the Volvo and into her arms, holding her tight until she decided she was ready to let go.

Esme took his face in her hands and smiled. "My sweet boy," she said. "I heard you're finally a hero to everyone else as well."

Edward grinned back at her. "Hardly, mom, I didn't actually do anything."

Esme guided him into the house as Rosalie went ahead of them. "But you were ready to do something, which is more than anyone else in that parking lot can say," she said, pride shining in her voice. "I'm making lasagna tonight, as a treat for my little hero."

Edward could almost hear Rosalie roll her eyes as they went into the living room, where their siblings were sprawled across the couches. Emmett was deeply engrossed in an episode of The Great British Bake Off, mumbling to himself about the proper way to cook a flan. Jasper, next to him, was watching the episode over the edge of his book, but quickly looked back to the page when the others came in. Alice was sitting in front of the couch with headphones in, watching a 'how to make glitter slime'-tutorial on her phone, which Edward prayed wouldn't be her next hobby.

Emmett threw an arm around Rosalie when she sat down next to him without looking up as Esme returned to the kitchen, no doubt to finish her world-famous lasagna.

Alice took off her headphones and turned towards Edward. "So, how were things at the hospital?" she asked, Emmett pausing the show when he realized a conversation of more than three words was about to take place.

"Well, I've got good news and bad news," Edward sighed. "Good news, Bella, Tyler, and I are all going to make a full recovery. Bad news, dad knows about the whole vampire thing."

"You pinky promised!" Alice screeched, with much more aggression than Edward thought the situation required. Jasper put a hand on her arm, which was usually enough to calm her, but she shook him off and stared Edward down.

"It was me," Rosalie confessed. "I got mad at Edward that a girl almost died in this game and didn't notice dad standing behind him."

Emmett gasped. "Babe," he said, managing to put more disappointment into that one word than Edward had heard him express in the entire rest of his life.

"More good news, though, he seemed more amused than anything else," Edward offered. He had been enjoying this project much more than he had expected, and was genuinely upset his father would probably put a stop to it.

Jasper snorted. "How likely is it we will live to see an another day, then?"

Edward clicked his tongue, pretending to be counting on his fingers. "Given his reaction, I think it's risen to around seven percent now. Maybe the odds really are in our favor."

Alice pursed her lips. "I've got a very good feeling about this."


	4. We don't know either man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

Despite the late hour, Alice was still wide awake when Carlisle came home. Jasper was sitting next to her on the couch, focused on the book he was reading, but absent-mindedly caressing her hair; a clear attempt to get her to calm down at least a little, but Alice saw straight through his scheming. Esme had gone to bed, an early riser like Alice, which made them both go to sleep at times more fitting for senior citizens, as Emmett put it. Tonight, however, Alice was listening for the sound of her father's car wide-eyed and anxious.

The front door opened and closed softly at 11PM, signalling Carlisle's arrival. As they heard his footsteps come up the stairs, all five of them sat upright, Jasper folding over the corner of his page to mark his spot. Alice shot him an angry look but didn't comment. No fights should ever be started after sundown.

Carlisle appeared in the doorway, still wearing a blue-green striped scarf. It was one of his favorites, given to him by Rosalie and Alice for Christmas a few years ago, and made more appearances than any of the other scarves in his collection.

He nodded to his children and went to the kitchen to get himself a mug of tea before sitting down in an armchair. "So," he said, the grin spreading over his face causing a small spark of hope to ignite in Alice's stomach. "Are you guys going to explain what's going on?"

Edward sighed, putting his head in his hands. "For a change, it's all kind of my fault," he started, after which he explained the situation as best he could, including the most recent addition, which was their sparkly skin in the sunlight. Alice had to admit that one was on her; she had tossed some glitter at Edward during their history class because he was being annoying and Bella, of course, had had some questions about why he suddenly sparkled.

At the end of it all, Carlisle threw his head back and laughed harder than Alice even knew he could. She looked around at her siblings. Rosalie, who had expected some support finally, looked on in horror; Emmett's face was split in two with a big grin; Edward shot Alice a hopeful 'maybe I get to see another day after all'-glance; and Jasper was simply watching their father wide-eyed, stunned surprise coming off him in waves.

Carlisle wiped a tear from his eye and let out a final chuckle at the expressions on the faces of his children. "That may be the funniest thing I've ever heard," he whispered. "I'll never be able to enjoy a simple tv show anymore after this rollercoaster."

"But you're not like… mad?" Rosalie suggested.

Carlisle's face became serious again as Emmett elbowed Rose in the ribs, which she ignored. "I'm not a big fan of lying, as you well know," Carlisle said, making eye contact with each of them until they looked away. "Besides, speaking as a doctor, if it may lead to Bella becoming injured, I can't really condone this."

Alice pouted, trying to keep her anxiety from showing in her face. "Our story had nothing to do with Bella's almost-accident, dad. We wouldn't do this if it really put her in danger." She exchanged a look with Emmett that told her the statement definitely didn't apply to the whole family, but Carlisle didn't seem to catch it.

"I don't know, little one," Carlisle sighed, and Alice couldn't stop herself from smiling at the nickname. "Despite the comedy value of the whole thing, I'm just not comfortable with you lying to this poor girl."

"Technically, it was her idea," Emmett said with an over-exaggerated shrug of the shoulders. "We just didn't want to make her world come crashing down around her."

Alice could see her father having to physically restrain himself from rolling his eyes at his eighteen-year-old. "I hardly think she believed in vampires before she met us," Carlisle dead-panned. "She's either messing with you, or genuinely needs help."

"Well, if she's messing with us, that cancels out the fact that we're messing with her, too," Alice suggested hopefully, which made Carlisle groan in frustration as Emmett gave her a thumbs-up.

Carlisle held up his hands. "You know what, fine," he said, taking a look at the clock and probably deciding he wanted to go to bed more than he wanted to end his children's charade. Alice just in time prevented herself from fistpumping and saw that Emmett wasn't as restrained. "Maybe there'll be a lesson for you in this. But," he looked from face to face around the circle, "if she ends up in my hospital again, I'm personally putting a stop to this."

Edward nodded. "Deal," he said, although Emmett mumbled something about further rules to establish it wasn't their fault if Bella fell from the kitchen steps and broke her neck.

"I'm also not hurting anyone," Carlisle stated, crossing his legs. "Vampire or not, I'm still a doctor."

"Rose already ruined the idea of us being murderous creatures," Emmett sighed. "We only drink animal blood, because we're 'good'." He added air quotes around the last word. "But you can be ultra good, if you want. It can be your superpower!"

Carlisle grinned. "That sounds perfect." He stood up to leave, but Alice stopped him.

"One last thing, dad," she said, looking up at him seriously before stretching her little finger out to him. "Pinky promise that you won't tell mom. She'll have us hung and quartered."

Carlisle narrowed his eyes, and, for a moment, Alice thought she saw doubt in his face. Then, he wrapped his pinky finger around hers.

"Okay," he said. "I won't tell Esme. But I hope you're all aware this doesn't cancel your executions, it just postpones them. She'll find out eventually." He turned around but added over his shoulder as he left the room: "And so will Bella."

Alice stretched her arms above her head. Maybe she would treat herself to a lie-in tomorrow, which, in her book, meant she would wake up at 6:30. It was a Saturday, after all.

Edward was staring into space, chewing his bottom lip like it was a piece of gum. "If we want to keep this going, we'll really have to step up our game," he murmured.

Emmett looked around the room with an excited gleam in his eyes. "Look who's enjoying the show now!"

Edward shrugged. "It's been pretty fun, but we should stop messing around. Get our backstories down, try and use proper vocabulary, things like that. No more Vine references." He threw an angry look at Jasper, who shrugged it off.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Eddie, part of the fun is winging it. Also, if you start talking like a nineteenth-century intellectual, I'll never have a conversation with you again."

"I was born in 1901, actually," Edward corrected, and Alice just barely managed to stop herself from slapping him.

Emmett looked intrigued. "You really have a backstory figured out already? Were you just writing that up while almost getting crushed to death by a car?"

Edward didn't react to the jest, but instead explained: "In 1918, I was dying from Spanish Flu in a hospital in Chicago, when Carlisle found and turned me."

Alice just blinked at him; only Edward could make up such a dull backstory when the possibilities were endless. 

Emmett narrowed his eyes. "Can mine be that I was mauled by a bear?"

Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice snickered as Edward stared at Emmett. "What?"

"It'll be cool! I was hiking in the wild, all by myself of course." Emmett's voice accelerated as he sped through the rest of the story, which ended with a star role for  
Rosalie as his savior, which made Rose glow with pride.

Jasper got up. "You guys have fun, but I don't think I'll bother making up a backstory. Like dad said, we can't keep this up forever."

Emmett threw his brother a devilish grin. "Jazzy, we've already fucked up so much that, if she hasn't caught us yet, I fear she may never. And when I say fear, I mean hope desperately."

They all laughed and got up to go to bed, except Edward, whom they left in the dimly lit living room to contemplate his vampire persona. _Oh God_ , was the last thing Alice thought before her head hit the pillow. _He's going full method._


	5. A house call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

The next Sunday morning, nine days after Bella and Edward's brush with death, Emmett woke up almost as early as Alice, something that made him both proud of and disgusted with himself. He bolted downstairs in his pyjamas and stepped out on the porch to look up at the sky with suspicion.

Alice, who was sitting on her bright pink yoga mat to meditate, opened one eye, then the other, when she realized who had come outside.

"Emmett, are you okay?" she said, words dripping with exaggerated concern. "It's 7 AM." She got up from her cross-legged position and stretched her arms above her head, still looking at him.

"It's a big day, Al," Emmett said. "If there's sunlight, that could ruin everything. What will Bella say when she comes into a house full of vampires and no one sparkles?" He sighed deeply. Was this how directors felt on opening night? Or did directors actually have faith in their actors? He should ask his uncle, who ran a theater group in Seattle, about that when he got the chance.

Alice smiled. "If there's sunlight, I have enough glitter to cover the whole family twice, so no need to worry about that."

Emmett leaned over and high fived his sister. Even if the others' dedication to the show was minimal, at least he could always count on Alice. She was leaning down now, on the verge of beginning a Sun Salutation, but looked up.

"Want to join me?" she asked. Emmett nodded enthusiastically. He worked out six times a week, so this couldn't be that hard, right?

Emmett wasn't certain how to explain the scene to Jasper, who came downstairs fifteen minutes later to find Emmett stuck in a position Alice referred to as one of the Warrior Poses (Emmett had forgotten the number the second she mentioned it). It had seemed easy, but was actually impossible if one didn't regularly contort one's body into strange positions for funsies. Emmett, whose flexibility was as lacking as his enthusiasm for literally any activity he attempted was present, had folded his body so far that he pulled some muscle he hadn't even known existed.

Alice, instead of being helpful, had a giggling fit, and was sitting on her yoga mat with her hands clasped over her mouth as she watched Emmett become increasingly agitated.

"Mary Alice Brandon Cullen, I swear to God, if you don't help me," Emmett yelled as Jasper slid open the door.

"What are you gonna do, warrior?" Alice managed to say in between fits of laughter.

Jasper, Emmett could just see over his shoulder, had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face Emmett had ever seen, and, for a moment, he contemplated how fast he could get over there to smack him in this position. His brother ignored him, giving Alice a kiss on her forehead before sitting down next to her and cocking his head to the side, giving Emmett an inquiring look.

"You okay there, Em?" he said casually, flicking open his book.

Emmett ground his teeth. "Everything's great, Big J," he said. "Just doing some deep breathing exercises with my wonderful yoga coach over there." He tried to nod towards Alice but that hurt so much he decided against it.

Jasper just smiled at the nickname and started reading as Alice giggled on, and Emmett realized he would have to wait for a nicer family member to come and free him from the mess he had gotten himself into.

That afternoon, after Rosalie, crying with laughter, had rescued him and Emmett had treated himself to a 45-minute shower while an increasingly irritated Jasper banged on the bathroom door, him, Rosalie, and his parents stood in the living room, waiting anxiously for Edward and Bella to pull up. There was no sun, thank God, which meant they hadn't had to come up with a story of why it was absolutely necessary for Esme to be covered in glitter while meeting her son's girlfriend for the first time.

Rosalie, flourishing in her role of hesitant sister who knew for certain this was going to end badly, stood next to him, arms crossed and lips pursed. Alice and Jasper were upstairs, Alice probably planning some grand entrance. It was the thing Emmett loved most about the little sister he adored anyway: her dedication to being extra at every opportunity she got.

They heard the front door open and close, voices buzzing softly as steps made their way up the stairs.

"Here comes the human," Rosalie mumbled, just loud enough that Bella, who came in at that moment, would have heard it. The comment earned her a chastising look from Esme and an amused one from Carlisle, but neither commented, focused completely on the nervous girl in front of them.

Esme was the first person to approach Bella, and her smile suddenly made Emmett's insides go soft. He hadn't felt sorry for lying to his mother before, but seeing her try so hard to make Bella feel welcome reminded him of the fact that their show might end up driving her away when she found out the truth.

"This is Esme, my mother, for all intents and purposes," Edward said, the nervous look on his face softening as Esme took Bella's hand in her own. Emmett knew that, even though Carlisle was the one he was technically related to, Edward had felt immediately drawn to Esme in the same way Rosalie had instinctively bonded with Carlisle.

Carlisle, wearing a scarf with multi-colored polkadots that completely undermined the idea that he was a serious surgeon, approached too, standing next to his wife. "Good to see you outside of the emergency room, Bella," he said with a smile. "You've met Emmett and Rosalie, right?"

Rosalie gave Bella a curt nod as Emmett reached out to high five the girl, which she answered hesitantly. Esme looked as if she was about to reproach them about their manners when the scene was interrupted by a voice at the top of the stairs.

"Hi Bella," Alice said excitedly, running down with almost inaudible steps, followed by Jasper, who was clenching his jaw to the point where Emmett was certain he would sprain it. Without hesitation, Alice hugged Bella tight. "Oh, you do smell nice," she said.

"Alice," Esme said, horrified. Emmett tried to imagine how this must look to her; probably like they were actively trying to get Bella to break up with Edward.

"It's okay," Alice said in a sing-song voice. "Bella and I are gonna be great friends." Jasper, who had taken up position next to Rosalie, couldn't suppress a snort in amusement, and Emmett, too, had trouble keeping his face neutral.

Jasper just nodded at Bella, face once again completely stiff in what was no doubt a Herculean effort to not burst out laughing. Emmett made the decision then and there to ensure his brother would never be alone with Bella.

"So," Edward said, clearly eager to wrap this trainwreck up. "Would you like to see the rest of the house?" Bella nodded and Edward led her away, taking her up the stairs.

Esme turned to her children with an incredulous look on her face. "What the heck was that all about, guys? Alice, was that voice really necessary; Emmett, you can't just _high five people in greeting_ without saying anything; and Rosalie and Jasper, you two were practically ignoring her."

Jasper, who had visibly relaxed after Bella left the room, threw her an easy smile. "It's okay, mom, we see her all the time at school. It's all a part of our inside jokes." Esme narrowed her eyes at him, but his calm demeanour made her more relaxed. She was also aware of Jasper's inability to lie, so she trusted him more easily than she would the others. And, technically, Emmett realized, Jasper hadn't really lied. He had just failed to mention that Bella wasn't included in the inside joke.

Esme shook her head, exasperated. "Teenagers," she mumbled.

Carlisle chuckled. "You really never know what they're up to."


	6. Games night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!
> 
> Slight trigger warning: This chapter contains a (very) quick mention of the possibility of child abuse; it's not discussed extensively and there are no details, but take care!

When his parents announced they were cancelling their weekly family Dungeons and Dragons session to go on a much-needed date night that Wednesday, Edward had hoped he could spend the extra night alone with Bella. His siblings, however, had a different idea.

"Why don't you invite Bella over for a games night?" Alice proposed. "We may not be able to play D&D, but we've got a closet full of other games. As long as Jasper and Emmett promise to behave, we'll all have fun!"

Esme and Carlisle, of course, had been all for it, and that was how Edward ended up between Alice and Bella at the dining table on Wednesday night, the Cullens' extensive collection of board games spread out in front of them. Emmett was trying to explain D&D to an extremely confused Bella, while Rosalie and Jasper discussed whether to start with Risk or Rummikub. Jasper was much more comfortable than usual, since he hoped the topic of vampires could be neatly avoided during a games night, but Edward knew that was a false hope with a curious girl like Bella around.

Bella leaned towards Edward. "I didn't think vampires would be into games."

Emmett grinned. "We love games as a family! Board games, but we also play a lot of baseball."

Bella raised an eyebrow and Edward shrugged. "It's the American sport." The most memorable game had been when Emmett's football teammate had joined them one day, and the boys had managed to beat Edward, Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper, despite their team only consisting of the two of them. A thick blanket of tension had covered the house for weeks afterwards, leaving all of them, but sensitive Jasper especially, completely on edge, until Emmett had promised to keep the games exclusive to family members.

Rosalie arranged the Risk board and they began their first game, after Emmett had made Edward and Alice promise not to use their 'gifts' to cheat. Jasper, the military strategist of the family, quickly diverged into an endless explanation of his extensive reasoning behind attacking certain countries at certain times.

"How do you know so much about this?" Bella asked, after Jasper had wiped her from the board in four turns while apologizing frantically. "Were you a soldier or something?"

Jasper sat up straight and it was as if a light bulb turned on behind his eyes. Clearly, his love for history and testing how far Bella's belief would go currently dominated his aversion to lying. Edward could almost hear the darts hitting Jasper's mental dart board of options with a _thunk_ as he made up his backstory on the fly.

"Well, I was a…" _thunk_ "confederate soldier." At that, Jasper exaggerated his slight Southern accent a bit more. The twins had been born and raised in Texas, Rochester to be exact, and, although Rosalie had quickly gotten rid of her accent, Jasper had maintained a slight drawl. "I was turned by" _thunk_ "a woman" _thunk_ "named Maria" _thunk_ "who wanted to use me" _thunk_ "to build a vampire army" _thunk_ "to take over" _thunk_ "Mexico." Alice was watching him through narrowed eyes, ready to intervene if she believed he put her fun in danger.

Bella, however, gasped in horror. "Vampires have armies?"

Jasper rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, exposing three scars on his forearms, that were the reason he rarely wore T-shirts. The one on his left arm had been a genuine accident, Edward knew, when little Rosalie and Jasper had been making their mother breakfast after a particularly bad breakup. The short, jagged one on his right arm was a fish hook, inflicted by stepfather number four or five during what was supposed to be a fun bonding trip. The final one was deeper and longer than the others, starting just below his elbow and snaking up to his shoulder. Edward didn't know what or who had done it, but it had been the final straw for Esme to get on a plane to Texas and refuse to return without her niece and nephew.

Bella leaned across Alice to examine them more closely, breath shallow as she grabbed Jasper's wrists.

"Battle scars," Jasper explained, a grim smile settling on Rosalie's lips at those words.

As Bella leaned back again, Alice put a hand on Jasper's arms, small fingers covering the lines. "You never have to go through that again," Alice said, a fierceness in her voice she rarely showed.

Bella looked at her. "What about you?"

Alice shrugged. "I'm not sure. I don't remember anything from my human life." Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward exchanged a suspicious look; this wasn't the end of Alice's backstory, if they knew their sister. "It's okay, I don't need the past. I've got my future right here," Alice said smugly, and the look between her siblings turned into one of loving exasperation. Of course Alice had decided to give her character a philosophical spin by making her see the future but not remember her past. All they had to do now was wait for her eighteen-slide PowerPoint presentation on how that represented the irrationality of life or whatever. Jasper, however, hadn't noticed. He had looked towards Alice when she said 'future', and hadn't been able to take his eyes off her since.

Emmett disturbed the sweet scene by pushing some of his men into one of Jasper's territories. "Snap out of it, Romeo, I'm invading Egypt. Yeet!" he yelled, as he threw a fistful of dice at the closest wall, dice scattering across the floor. Emmett threw a stunned Bella a big grin. "That's how I roll more nat 20s than anyone else," he declared proudly.

After Risk, Emmett challenged the others to a game of Twister. Bella wisely bowed out, so she got to call the colors. As Edward tried to put his left arm on yellow while keeping his right foot on red, he noticed Bella was examining the five of them closely as they stood on the board, out of breath with laughter (not very vampire-like, Edward noted absently). Rosalie must have caught it too, since she asked Bella what was wrong, and Edward couldn't suppress a smile. Even to Bella, Rosalie couldn't help but be an overprotective, problem-solving older sister.

"Do you guys hate being a vampire as much as Edward does?" she asked. Edward shrugged at the inquisitive looks he got and mumbled something about the bloodlust.

Emmett smiled at Bella, and Edward knew this was one of those moments when Emmett put down the heavy coat of his funny guy-persona and showed the deep sea of kindness underneath. 

"It's the others that make it bearable," he said. "Hell's not so bad if you get to keep an angel with you." He winked at Rosalie, who blushed, her own cloak of responsibility falling off her shoulders to show the eighteen-year-old girl underneath. Edward knew that was a part of Rosalie only Emmett, despite his tendency to get into trouble, had a key to.

Bella, too, watched Rosalie's face with interest. Rose had been nothing but distant to Bella, and this must be the first night she got a glance at what she was really like. That idea caused a cold knife of guilt to stab Edward in the gut. Rosalie disliked Bella because she had to lie to her, which was also why Jasper avoided her as much as possible. Bella believed the twins despised her because she put their family in danger, when, in reality, they were more frustrated with Edward than with her.

Thoughts of that dilemma fled his mind when Bella called out: "Left foot on green!"

"Are you kidding me," Edward mumbled. Jasper and Emmett were tall enough to simply stretch out their legs and stand, while Alice managed to slip into a deep split without touching the ground, which was just enough for her short legs to reach each end of the board. So all the yoga was good for something. Rosalie, too, turned out to be flexible enough to reach both sides.

"Nice, babe," Emmett said with a big grin, as Jasper inquired whether Bella could also provide a bucket for him to vomit into if they continued like this.

All eyes were on Edward now, who groaned as he pulled a muscle in his thigh while trying to stretch out his legs before falling backwards onto the floor.

"OOOOOOH!" his siblings yelled as one. He took a lap around the board to thank the imaginary audience for their support, and went to sit next to Bella.

Alice won and accepted her prize, a kiss on the cheek from both Hale twins at the same time, with a giggle. "Can we have a dance party now?" she asked, and Rosalie immediately turned on _Jonathan Low_.

Bella laughed as Edward pulled her close, getting her out of the way of Alice and Jasper, who were trying to remember the foxtrot, and Rosalie and Emmett, who were more than content just grinding.

"You guys like Vampire Weekend?" she said.

Edward hadn't yet realized how ironic that would be to her, and he grinned broadly. "Yeah, it's the one band we all agree on. We usually end up listening to it, otherwise we'll have an endless 'Muse or Linkin Park'-discussion every time someone opens Spotify."

"Linkin Park," Rosalie said, at the same time as Alice and Jasper yelled "Muse!" Edward simply raised an eyebrow to Bella, who snickered.

"We're the majority tonight, Rose, we win," Jasper laughed.

Bella looked surprised. "Esme likes Linkin Park?"

Rosalie shook her head in exasperation. "I love mom, but she has a horrible taste in music. Dad, however, _loves_ Linkin Park. _Leave Out All the Rest_ is our favorite."

Bella made to comment, but Edward swooped her into a twirl before she could and she giggled instead. Looking down at her, with Emmett and Rosalie slow dancing next to them and Alice and Jasper foxtrotting through the living room, Edward imagined what the rest of his life would look like with these wonderful idiots by his side. It instantly made him wish immortality was real.


	7. An even worse idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

When Jasper had grudgingly agreed to take part in Edward's plan, he hadn't expected it to go on for that long. He had assumed they could keep it up for a few weeks at most, and then someone (probably him) would crack or Bella would wake up from this dream and realize vampires didn't exist after all.

He definitely hadn't thought they would still be performing this charade _over two months_ after Edward had first started dating the girl, and, yet, here they were. The stories had become increasingly crazy, Alice had even come up with a club of very scary vampires that would kill them all if Bella ever breathed a word of this to anyone, and she still ate it all up. Even Jasper's arguably strange Vine references hadn't yet been picked up on. He had almost cracked when, browsing the history section of the school library for something on the Civil War he hadn't read twice already, he had heard her voice behind him.

"Hey Jasper," Bella had said as he stiffened, turning around while keeping his face as neutral as possible. "How are you?"

Jasper had felt his eyes widen in panic. "Thanks for checking in, I'm still a piece of garbage," he had managed to say before practically sprinting to the other side of the library, leaving a no doubt incredibly confused Bella to contemplate that response.

She didn't seem to have shared the interaction with Edward, for which Jasper was grateful. His brother applied himself to the show with the same dedication he put into anything he was interested in. Edward was truly the opposite of flitty Alice, who would practice a skill until she was mediocre at it and then move on to the next thing that caught her fancy. That was how Jasper had ended up with four instruments under his bed, pencil drawings, water colors, and charcoal sketches covering his walls, and a unicycle collecting dust in the corner of his room. According to Carlisle, Alice's ever-changing interests had been inherited from her mother, Lilian, who had had the tendency to solve all problems by reinventing the part of herself she viewed to be the issue. Recently, however, Alice had been a lot less insistent on picking up new hobbies, and she was still completely engrossed in the vampire story.

One particularly slow Thursday afternoon in May, Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper were bent over the coffee table, desperately trying to make sense of their AP Geography textbook, when Edward burst into the living room, panic rolling off him like a thunderstorm.

"Guys, I think I fucked up for real this time," he said, falling onto the couch and covering his face with his hands. He was really leaning into the whole 'dramatic lover from the 1900s'-thing, and it was as amusing as it was annoying.

"What happened?" Rosalie said, still frowning at the textbook. Jasper knew his sister was no closer to approving the situation, but also that she currently cared more about not fighting with her siblings than about telling Bella the truth. He wondered how long that would last.

Edward sighed so loudly Jasper was certain that Alice, who was practicing the pan flute in her room, had heard it. "I told her the Volturi were coming over to the house to check on us because they found out about her." Jasper was pretty certain those were the murderous royal vampires, but decided against asking.

Emmett jumped up. "What the hell, Edward, where are we going to get three people with enough flair to play the fucking _Volturi_ ," he exclaimed. "You can't just ask good ol' Butt Crack Santa to be a centuries-old vampire, that requires someone with a sense of drama!"

_Yup, definitely the vampire royalty_ , Jasper thought to himself.

Alice, who had come downstairs when she heard Emmett shouting, leaned against the wall with a wishful look on her face. "I could do it, but I'm sure she would recognize me."

"I know you don't want to hear this, but we could always just tell her," Rosalie insisted, which earned her annoyed looks from everyone except Jasper.

"No, we'll figure this out," Emmett said.

"Well, if you've got a great idea for where we're going to get three adult men Bella doesn't know to play the Volturi, I would love to hear it," Edward bit at him.

"Craigslist?" Emmett suggested, and Edward groaned in exasperation.

Jasper looked at Alice, who seemed to be tuning out the discussion. Her eyes were glazed over, looking at everything around her and nothing at all. With a jolt he realized that, if she did have visions of the future, this was how she would look while seeing things that had yet to come. In this world, however, it was her 'seconds from brilliance'-look. It was how she looked right before suggesting climbing out of the window at midnight to look at the stars, before finding the answer to a seemingly unsolvable riddle, and how she had looked before she had kissed him for the first time. There was never a moment when she was more beautiful to him.

Alice took her phone from her back pocket and dialed a number, waving at Edward and Emmett to be quiet. The boys listened immediately, looking at her expectantly.

"Hey," Alice said into the phone. "Good, good, how are you?" She listened for a few moments before saying: "I've got a strange question," and explaining the whole debacle to the person on the other side. The answer she got clearly pleased her, as a slow, devilish smile crept across her heart-shaped face; another one of Jasper's favorites. Apparently, he thought to himself before Alice revealed her plan in this parlor scene, he preferred his girlfriend when she was about to get into a heap of trouble.

"I can't believe none of you thought of this," Alice started, which had Emmett moving his hand to indicate she better hurry up and release him from his misery. "But we happen to have an uncle in Seattle who runs an amateur theater company and was 100% in when I told him that he is absolutely allowed to go ape shit with accents and props. There's a few things he needs us to pick up for the 'production', but we can do that tomorrow. They're coming tomorrow night, he's bringing some of his buddies to play the other Volturi." Jasper couldn't help but applaud this idea, and Emmett and Edward joined in.

Rosalie, on the other hand, put her forehead down on the textbook and mumbled: "This is going to explode in your faces, when will you guys realize that."

"Oh come on, don't pretend you're not having fun," Emmett said, petting her hair. She lifted her head to throw him a poisonous look and he slowly pulled his hand back, as if she were a viper that would strike if he moved too quickly. Rosalie put her face down again, too exhausted by geography to hold up her head and deal with her siblings' shit at the same time.

"He was really excited, Rose, we can't back out now," Alice said.

"Of course he was excited, he's a _Cullen_ ," Rosalie mumbled to the diagram about rock erosion.

"And what's wrong with being a Cullen?" Carlisle appeared in the door to the kitchen, wearing a cream scarf with subtle brown pinstripes. "I would say you're practically one too by now, Rose." The mixture of strictness and amusement on his face made Jasper smile. Carlisle had never treated him and his sister differently just because they weren't Cullens by birth. To Carlisle, they had been a part of the family since the moment Esme had brought them home with her. They had such a stable family dynamic Jasper remembered being distinctly disoriented for the first few months, flinching whenever Carlisle approached him or Rosalie, a result of several bad experiences with adult men. Even though the twins could see their mother in theory, it had been four years since their last meeting, something Jasper was both happy and sad about. In his experience, confrontations with Lucy Platt always ended in tears from him and frowns from Rosalie, that had to be slowly changed back into smiles by Carlisle and Esme.

"Nothing's wrong with it, it's just that you all love such incredibly stupid ideas that I sometimes wonder whether there are brains up there at all," Rosalie sighed.

Carlisle raised an eyebrow and Alice explained: "Edward told Bella our vampire royalty are coming for a visit, so guess who's going to play the Volturi?"

Carlisle put his head in his hands, which strangely made him look a lot like Rosalie. "Oh well," he said, already resigned to the idea the same way he had resigned to pretending to be a vampire to please his children. "It's always nice to see my brother."


	8. Questionable purchases

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

On Friday, Rosalie drove the siblings that weren't so hooked on Bella they had to drive her home every afternoon to Target, to pick up the things their uncle had requested.

Rosalie slammed the car door shut as the others got out. Even though she believed there was never a bad time for a Target run, the reason behind this specific one and the berserk shopping list their uncle had sent them meant she had never been less excited to see the red logo.

As they approached the store, Jasper cupped his hands around his mouth. "Ladies and gentlemen welcome to TTTTTTT Taaaargeeeet!" he yelled. Emmett, who, for reasons forever unknown to Rosalie, had brought an air horn along, blasted it, the sound rippling through the carpark and making several people look up in shock.

Rosalie put her bag over her shoulder so she could hit both of them on the back of the head at the same time. "Why do you always have to be such losers?" she spat, as Alice giggled.

Emmett looked genuinely offended. "We're not losers, we're way beneath that."

Alice hooked her arm through Rosalie's as she fumed, leaning into her sister. "Come on, Rose, it'll be fun. Maybe we can have a look at some new throw blankets for your bed, too."

Emmett groaned behind them. "Ladies, this is an important mission, not a sister bonding trip."

Rosalie and Alice exchanged a horrified glance. "Emmett, everything is an opportunity for a sister bonding trip," Rosalie said. She had been more hesitant than Jasper about moving in with their aunt and her family, and Alice had played an important part in making her feel comfortable in the beginning. When they were little, they had spent hours together sewing clothes for Alice's dolls, climbing trees, and finding new and exciting ways to bully the boys in the household. Now that they were older, these sessions had turned into endless chats about how to maintain a healthy relationship with a boyfriend you also lived with, doing each other's homework if they loved a subject the other hated, and, most importantly, so many Target runs Emmett always said they should be offered nationality there.

The four of them made their way to the entrance, where Emmett grabbed a cart and immediately got glared at by an employee for trying to get Jasper to plank on top of it. Rosalie hissed at him to cut it out as Alice jumped into the cart, demanding to be driven around like the queen she was. Emmett obliged and pushed Alice towards the dollar section.

When they arrived, Jasper was already there, and he started fanning Alice with a sticker sheet from one of the bins. "Just pretend it's a palm leaf and I'm shirtless."

Alice giggled. "Would love nothing more," she said, as Emmett and Rosalie started pretending to be sick at the same time.

"Okay, Jazz Hands, what's the first thing on the list?" Emmett asked.

Jasper let out a short chuckle and read: "An old-looking chain necklace, preferably gold with red stones."

"And that's absolutely necessary for him to pull this off?" Rosalie exclaimed, already exasperated. Their uncle was just as extra as Alice, and she thought one drama queen was more than enough for this family.

"Funny you should ask," Jasper said with a half grin that had Alice smiling up at him like a madman. "In brackets, it says, 'tell Rosalie I 100% need that for my performance and that I don't like being questioned when it comes to theater."

Rosalie rolled her eyes so hard she was afraid they would never emerge from the back of her head. "Fine, fine, point taken," she mumbled, and nodded at Emmett. "Push the Queen of Shopping Carts towards the jewelry section please, humble servant."

About an hour and a half later, the four of them lugged several full bags from the garage to the house. Most were filled with the things their uncle had requested, which included jewelry, a cloak, a goblet, and, inexplicably, some dish soap, but Rosalie was carrying a separate bag with the things for her room. She, Alice, and Esme had started replacing the bright pink theme she had picked when they first moved to Forks with something more neutral, and these were just the finishing touches she needed. She was almost sad to leave it for a college dorm after the summer.

Alice managed to open the door with her foot and they all immediately dropped the bags in the hallway.

Emmett sighed. "After all this, the man better deliver."

"Oh, that won't be a problem," a light, soft voice said from the stairs.

Alice gasped in excitement. "Uncle Aro!" she exclaimed, running up the stairs to hug him. Aro and Carlisle were fraternal twins, which their parents had found a blessing after having to deal with identical triplets. Rosalie had a vague memory of Carlisle and Esme's wedding, where she was incredibly impressed Emmett, Alice, and Edward were able to immediately pick out their own mother, and she couldn't imagine having to raise the girls. Aro and Carlisle shared a long face and sharp nose, but Aro's hair was dark where his brother's was light.

Rosalie liked Aro well enough, but the unique, if that was the right word for it, energy he exuded made him Alice's favorite extended family member. He cupped his niece's face in his hands, eyes locked on hers.

"My dear Alice, you become more gorgeous every time I see you," Aro said, almost breathlessly. He suddenly seemed to remember the rest of them existed and walked down the stairs with inaudible steps to greet them. He first hugged Emmett, then put an arm around each twin and pulled them close. "I'm so happy to hear you've all developed a taste for the fine art of theater." He wrung his hands in excitement as he looked from face to face.

Emmett put an arm around Rosalie's shoulder, casually leaning on her in a way that made her smile. Emmett's love language was one of offhand touches and unplanned hugs, hidden in the way he used her as a footrest or a pillow. Even just this simple move conveyed a softness she loved in him.

"I don't think you would approve of our charade," Emmett said. "It's way less professional than what you get up to."

Aro giggled, something Rosalie would abhor in any other grown man but somehow fit him perfectly. "The fact that you have been able to keep it up for so long makes me incredibly proud of you all," he said tenderly. "Come on, you should meet my theater troupe."

Upstairs they found Carlisle, wearing a fun, sun-and-moon-patterned scarf, serving drinks and snacks to four strangers.

The first person Aro introduced them to was a tall, broad-set man with an air so calm Rosalie wondered what he was on, although his red-rimmed eyes and dilated pupils were a clear enough hint. The only thing he said was his name: Marcus.

The second person was his opposite in almost every way, elf-like in appearance, with light blond hair that reached to his shoulders and nervous eyes with enormous bags beneath them. Caius, Aro told them, was a high-strung PhD-student who had been told theater was a great way to relieve stress.

"Is it working?" Jasper asked, genuinely interested if Rosalie knew her brother.

"Absolutely not," came the clipped answer.

The final two people were only slightly older than Rosalie, and turned out to be twins too. Jane was a petite blonde girl with a doll-like face and big eyes that seemed to look right through you. Her brother Alec was small, too, but he had light brown hair. They shared the air of people who had grown up never having to worry about anything.

Carlisle, after making sure everyone had something to eat and drink, told them all to sit down. "So, what do you guys do when you're not playing vampire royalty for your nieces and nephews?" he asked.

"We're actually working on a production of King Lear," Aro said enthusiastically, before diving into an in-depth explanation of the character divisions and questioning whether Carlisle was absolutely certain he didn't want to come to Seattle to play the Fool.

Rosalie sat on the floor leaning against Emmett's shoulder, watching the conversation become stranger as the evening progressed and the adults got drunker. She felt a tap on her shoulder during a heated discussion between Aro, absolutely shitfaced, and Alice, completely sober but still invested, about which Shakespeare character was most likely to do meth (Rosalie's money was on Hamlet).

It was Caius, who mumbled so softly only Rosalie and Emmett could hear it: "Are they always like this?"

Rosalie and Emmett exchanged an amused look. "No," she said. "Usually they're worse."


	9. The Volturi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

They spent Saturday on an adventure in the forest, where Marcus was found staring at nothing several times, and Caius turned out to be afraid of anything that could even be thought to have once been touched by an insect. Alice's personal favorite moment, however, was Edward proudly showing her a snail he had found and asking whether she also thought it was 'effervescent' (she didn't).

As Alice went through her morning routine on Sunday, the sense of excitement grew every time a new person woke up and joined their nervous energy with the others'. Over breakfast, Esme looked around the table and asked: "Is there a reason you all look like you're sitting on porcupines and can't tell me, or is this just for fun?"

Emmett shot Alice a worried look as she felt Jasper stiffen next to her, probably praying Esme wouldn't expect an answer from him specifically.

Aro, luckily, smiled broadly at his sister-in-law. "Nothing's wrong, dearest Esme, we're all just saddened by the fact that we'll have to leave this afternoon."

Esme quirked an eyebrow at him but only apologized profusely for not being able to see them off, since she had to go to her gardening club a few towns over. That had been principal in their planning of the Volturi's visit, since they all wanted Esme to be far away during that event.

The theater troupe left the house around one, after Esme's car had safely driven away down the road. When Bella arrived, the remaining family members were sat on the edge of the couch and the armchairs, nervously looking around. Jasper's face was arranged in a stiff mask that Alice knew only required a single crack to break into a million pieces. The deal was that he wouldn't talk much, if at all, which allowed him to fully focus on not starting to laugh uncontrollably; or, if one asked Bella, on not ripping her to shreds and drinking her blood. Alice could feel her heart beating her throat, muscles tensed, and she suddenly became unsure of what she would do if this turned out to be too much for Jasper, if he laughed and Bella found out. She wanted to continue with this show, more than she had even realized before now.

Her phone buzzed, and she read the message Aro had sent her: _Break a leg_. She sat upright, making her eyes go out of focus and letting out a soft gasp as she blinked a few times, pretending to come back to the present.

"They're here," she whispered, trying to put as much fear in her voice as she could.

Carlisle got up, wrapping his scarf, a gray one that Alice liked to think of as his Serious Business Scarf, tighter around his neck before he went outside. The others followed, not speaking, Bella holding on tight to Edward's arm. They arranged themselves on the field underneath the cloudy May sky with their backs to the house. Carlisle stood in the front, flanked on his left by Rosalie and Emmett, and on his right by Edward and Bella. Alice and Jasper stayed a few steps behind, so Jasper could grin without Bella being aware of it, but Alice had another plan that could be perfectly executed from this position.

Slowly, taking care not to make a sound, she took her pan flute from her pocket. Jasper gave her a wide-eyed, horrified stare, which she answered with a grin. She could play one song, but, when done slowly, it would hopefully be subtle enough that Bella didn't notice.

She waited a few moments, until the players stepped into the field from between the trees. They were all wearing long cloaks, no doubt purchased for King Lear, with the hoods up. Aro was in front, with Marcus and Caius beside him and Jane and Alec a few paces behind, beautifully mirroring the way the Cullens had arranged themselves. There was a lot to say about Aro, but you had to admit the man had feeling for drama. As they walked, they took their hoods off in unison, and Alice put the pan flute to her lips and played a note, so softly it could almost be mistaken for the sound of the wind.

Bella didn't look around, and Alice and Jasper exchanged an excited glance as Aro gave her a broad smile. Alice moved on to the next note and then the next, as the Volturi slowly made their way across the field. About five notes in, Jasper leaned towards her.

" _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ ? Really?" he hissed, and she shrugged, then nodded. Bella seemed too focused on the Volturi to notice the soft music behind her, especially as, at their approach, the bright red contacts Rosalie had found in the costume section of Target became glaringly obvious. They were a sign that the Volturi had no qualms about drinking human blood, Edward had decided, while the Cullens' brown eyes showed they only fed on animals. This idea left Alice and Emmett, with their matching, dark irises, in a state of perpetual hunger while the twins' hazel eyes showed they were always well-fed, but Bella hadn't picked up on that yet.

Aro stopped a few paces away. "Carlisle, my friend, it's such a pleasure to see you," he said, adding a truly horrendous British accent to his light voice. The one sentence was enough to make Jasper's face split in two with a big grin. Aro, clearly in his element, didn't notice, instead focusing on Bella as he gasped in excitement. "And this must be Bella, how happy I am to find you here!"

Next to Aro, Marcus was unimpressed and uninterested, looking at Bella with the same level of excitement he would have done had she been a beige wall. Caius, on his other side, had converted his anxious demeanor into a look of such disapproval it almost made Alice genuinely nervous.

Aro reached out his hands towards Edward, and Bella reluctantly let him go so he could give his uncle his hand. Edward explained: "Aro can read every thought I've ever had with a single touch."

Aro closed his eyes as he wrapped his hands around Edward's, then continued to prattle on about how irresistible Bella's blood was to him. He then turned to Bella, and asked whether he would be allowed to see if she could resist his gifts too. Bella reluctantly gave him her hand, and he closed his eyes again.

"Fascinating," Aro breathed, as his red eyes locked on Bella's. "Let us see if she's immune to all our powers. Jane?"

Jane stepped forward, a cold, cruel smile on her round face. Edward, always needing to play the hero when Bella was involved, jumped in front. Jane focused on his face and, still smiling, said: "Pain." Edward fell to the ground groaning, and Alice and Jasper exchanged an impressed look. Maybe he had inherited more of Aro's theatrical spirit than Alice had always presumed.

Carlisle knelt next to him, the pained look on his face probably only half acted as he watched his son writhe on the ground. "Aro, please," Carlisle rasped.

Aro looked towards Jane. "Jane," he said, and she turned towards him as Edward relaxed. "Go ahead, my dear," Aro continued, and Jane focused on Bella instead. The smile vanished from her face when Bella relaxed, feeling nothing, since Jane didn't have any powers whatsoever.

Aro burst into laughter, a higher version of Carlisle's favorite chuckle. "Remarkable. She confounds us all. You would make an intriguing immortal, Isabella, but what a shame he has no intention of granting that gift to you. We can't let this continue, you must understand. Alec?"

"Wait," Alice said, stuffing her pan flute in her pocket and walking to the front. Alec stopped in his tracks, looking genuinely upset. "Bella will be one of us. I've seen it. I'll change her myself."

Aro raised his eyebrows in curious expectation and reached out a single, elegant hand, into which Alice put her own. He closed his eyes again, pretending to be concentrating. "Mesmerizing," he murmured. "To see what you have seen, before it has happened."

"Alright then," Aro said, stepping back. "I advise that you follow through on your promise soon. The Volturi do not offer second chances." He turned and walked away, the others falling in line behind him, on their way to jump into Aro's van and make the four-hour drive back to Seattle.

Carlisle breathed out audibly as he helped Edward up. "You okay?" he asked, and Edward nodded, taking a shaken Bella in his arms. Jasper, who had composed himself again, put an arm around Alice.

"I'll take you home," Edward said to Bella. She nodded, mumbling she needed to lie down for three months straight after this.

"That's so sad, Alexa, play _Despacito_ ," Jasper muttered. Alice dug her nails into his arm as she watched Bella, ready to punch him if this turned out to be the thing that gave them away. Surely she had heard that one before?

Bella, however, only got visibly more confused as Edward led her away.

Emmett leaned over. "That wasn't a Vine, Jazzy boy."

Jasper grinned back at him. "How's the whole 'not calling me by the same nickname'-thing going, Em?"

Emmett crossed his arms and sighed. "It ain't much, but it's honest work," he said seriously before the two of them burst into laughter and had to be supported by Rosalie and Alice. The girls exchanged an exhausted yet adoring look; idiots, both of them.

About an hour later, when Edward had returned, they were seated around the dining table, talking over the afternoon's events while snacking on a cake Emmett had made the day before that had been hidden from Bella.

"I can't believe she still thinks this is all real," Emmett said. "I mean, Aro's accent was so strange I was sure she would just burst out laughing and tell us she had been in on the joke the whole time."

Carlisle shook his head. "I never thought I would say this, but I'm actually kind of enjoying pretending to be a vampire."

At that moment, a voice piped up from the door, a voice they hadn't expected to hear for a few more hours. Esme stepped into the dining room, dirt under her nails and a concerned look in her narrowed eyes. "So, are you guys finally going to explain what the heck is going on?"


	10. That's my wife!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

Throughout his marriage, Carlisle Cullen had tried his best to not become one of those men who delighted in lying to their wives. Nothing disgusted him more than the way some of his fellow doctors talked about the women who, in many cases such as Esme's, had elected to give up their own careers to take care of their husbands and children. It was the one thing he regretted about having adopted his nephews and niece over a decade ago now; one of them had had to stay at home with the children, and, since Carlisle's salary was higher, Esme had put aside her wish to become a doctor herself to focus fully on the newly orphaned kids put under their care. It was something Carlisle had never forgotten, and he had made sure that his sons learned that women were people first, and wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, or daughters second.

And yet, as he watched Esme take in Edward's explanation of what had been going on these past few months, the horrific realization that he was well on the way to becoming one of those men he despised slowly dawned on him. He had lied to her for months and genuinely enjoyed parts of it, especially watching Aro's little performance just now. Her eyes kept flitting to him as Edward told the next crazy part of the story, and he kept having to nod his assent that, yes, he had known about that bit, too.

When Edward was finally quiet, Esme looked incredulously from family member to family member. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, voice almost breaking. Carlisle wanted nothing more than to put his arms around her, but also knew she may not want him near her right now.

Emmett was the first to answer her. "We assumed you wouldn't be okay with it."

That statement was something Carlisle had always doubted, but he could see where his children had gotten it from. They didn't know the person Esme had been before she had suddenly become a mother of three at twenty-six, weren't aware that Jasper's chaotic streak had most likely been inherited from his aunt.

"You've been lying to this girl, and me, for months now," was all Esme said.

Emmett sighed. "Yeah, I don't think anyone thought it would go on for this long." The others shook their heads, but all refused to look their mother in the eye. "Rose was never okay with it," Emmett added softly, which earned him an angry look from Rosalie.

"But I went along with it, I'm just as guilty as the rest of you," she objected.

Esme snorted, which earned her confused looks from the children as Carlisle couldn't suppress a smile at the sense of humor peeking out from behind the clouds. "Oh, it's not difficult to imagine the sliding scale of enthusiasm with which you tackled this," she said dryly. "If I wasn't mad at you all for lying to me, this would be incredibly funny." Esme's slight Southern accent always became stronger when she was emotional, and Carlisle could hear her prevent herself from contracting 'you all' just in time. This really wasn't the moment for Emmett to pretend to be a cowboy for two hours, edged on by an enthusiastic Jasper.

Emmett leaned towards Alice and whispered so loudly Carlisle was certain Bella could hear it at her father's house: "Am I dreaming or are we gonna get mom on board?"

"I think there's still a 99% chance we won't live to see another day, but I'm loving the positive attitude," Alice whispered back, equally loudly. Esme looked down and smiled, which made Carlisle's insides go a little funny. It had been that look that had made him scoot across the lecture hall, two seats every class, until he had ended up next to her.

"Listen," Esme said, still smiling as she looked at her children. "You're all grounded for lying, there's no doubt about that. Carlisle and I will just have to decide together whether we're also going to force you to tell Bella. Although, that would almost be a waste of the hard work you've put in so far." The devilish smile that spread across her face reminded Carlisle of Alice, but also of the girl Esme had been when he had fallen in love with her.

Emmett raised his hand, and, when prompted by his mother, asked: "Is dad also grounded?"

"Absolutely," Esme answered, throwing Carlisle a strict look. She motioned for him to follow her, and Emmett mouthed _good luck dad_ as they left the room.

His anxiety about the situation didn't stop Carlisle from peeking a glance at Esme's butt as he followed her up the stairs. When they entered their bedroom, Carlisle looked to the right wall for good luck, where the rack with his scarf collection and the first picture that had ever been taken of all his children together hung side by side. It was a shot from Esme and Carlisle's wedding, when the twins and Emmett were five and Alice and Edward four. The girls were wearing matching sailor dresses, which Alice, smiling broadly at the camera, was loving, while Rosalie was eyeing her brother angrily, unable to understand why he hadn't been forced to wear this stupid dress. The boys were all in dark blue shorts, white shirts, and blue bow ties, Emmett's shirt already stained with dirt even though the picture had been taken first thing in the morning. Carlisle smiled as he remembered the chastising Emmett had gotten for that from his mother, Olivia, usually characterized as the most level-headed of the Cullen triplets. It had always been funny to Carlisle that she, specifically, had been the one to bring Emmett into this world.

They sat down in two chairs near the window that they rarely used but had seemed an absolute essential when they moved in.

"How long have you known?" Esme asked, looking out over the forest behind their house.

Carlisle bit his lip. "Since Edward and Bella almost got hit by a car," he confessed.

Esme shook her head, auburn hair brushing her shoulders and becoming golden as it reflected the light of the setting sun. "I thought we had agreed we wouldn't keep secrets from each other."

He forced himself to look her in the eye. "I know," was all he said. He didn't want to make any excuses; he had made a mistake, and now he had to pay for that. "I'm sorry."

To his surprise, she smiled. "It's the first time in fifteen years, my dear, that's a pretty good score. Up top." She held out her hand for a high five and he put his palm against hers, entwining their fingers. Before he met Esme, he never understood why his parents had referred to each other as 'my everything'. Now, however, he knew that he was holding the whole world in the palm of his hand.

"I love you." It seemed the only thing he could say.

"I love you too, Carlisle, but we still have to decide what to do about this mess the kids got themselves into," she answered.

He narrowed his eyes. "Don't pretend there isn't a part of you that wants to join in, my dear," he said, and she giggled. It was a sound that once again brought him back to the girl she had been when they had met, to the parties her sorority had thrown, where Esme had always been the first to arrive and the last to go to bed. He had loved it, had loved the fact that, even when he left hours before her, he was the person she texted about having gotten home safely. Waking up to those drunk texts, with declarations of love right next to exclamations of how much she loved pizza, had marked his college weekends.

Esme sighed. "This is exactly the stuff I didn't want them to enjoy, otherwise they would become way too much like me when I was young."

"What, you don't want them to become perfect?" Carlisle asked innocently.

Esme hit his shoulder in pretend annoyance. "Stop being so sweet, you'll get a cavity." She bit her lip. "Although, getting yourself out of stuff like this is an important skill to learn in adolescence… I think I've got an idea."

A few minutes later, Carlisle and Esme went downstairs, facing their children hand in hand. "So," Esme said, Carlisle beaming at her. They wouldn't know what hit them. "You guys are still grounded. However, we'll allow you to continue with this little charade, until you think it's best to stop it, on two conditions." Emmett and Alice didn't wait for those conditions, high-fiving over the heads of Jasper and Rosalie. The twins and Edward, however, remained focused on their mother.

"What are the conditions?" Jasper asked.

Carlisle and Esme exchanged a satisfied look. "First, no more secrets. Ever." The kids nodded, a little reluctantly. "Secondly," Esme continued, taking a deep breath. "I want in."


	11. She wants in?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

Of all the things Rosalie had expected her mother to say, 'I want in' wasn't one of them. Grounding them all for the rest of their lives? Check. Making them tell Bella what had been going on? Absolutely. Screaming at them so loudly Aro heard it and came back to check on them, just so she could yell at him too? Strong possibility. But _joining them_? Never.

Looking around, her siblings' reactions portrayed similar levels of shock. Four mouths were wide open, Carlisle grinning at them from ear to ear, already having made peace with the idea. Alice and Emmett, of course, were also in the process of exchanging excited glances, Jasper looked primarily worried, and Edward hadn't gotten far enough yet to feel any emotion besides surprise.

"So, you're just okay with it?" Rosalie managed to say.

"Well, I would recommend breaking the news to her before school ends for the summer. That way, we won't have to think of where vampires go on holiday," Esme answered calmly. That gave them another month or so, but the wording showed this wasn't a hard deadline, and, knowing Alice and Emmett, they would keep this up for as long as they could.

Rosalie decided that this was the perfect moment to finally freak the fuck out at her entire family. "Are you all _out of your mind_?" she yelled, jumping up so quickly it made Jasper startle. "You're our parents, aren't you supposed to teach us that lying is wrong? Why am I the person pointing this out?"

Emmett crossed his arms. "Because you're a goody two shoes." The comment earned him a punch on the arm from Rosalie. "Ow."

"It's not funny anymore, Emmett," Rosalie spat. "Bella is already going to need serious therapy when she finds out, and we need to stop this before it goes any further." Carlisle and Esme looked intrigued, almost as if they were hoping this was going to be a learning experience for their children. Was that what was really going on? Or was Rosalie just putting her own thoughts into their heads?

Edward sighed. "She's dealing with it pretty well, Rose, she's managed to adapt to every strange thing we throw at her. I wouldn't be doing this if I thought it would affect her badly, I promise."

Rosalie turned to him, fuming. "How the hell would you know what's really going through her mind. She adores you, which usually doesn't lead to perfect honesty. She doesn't do anything without you anymore, you really think that's healthy?"

Edward jumped up too. "As if you're ever seen without Emmett! Or Alice without Jasper!"

"It's pretty difficult to get away from each other when you live together," Rosalie bit back, anger turning her vision red. Was she the only person in this family with a brain? "Besides, Alice and I have our girls' nights, Jasper and I hang, and so do Alice and Emmett. You would know that if you were around more." It wasn't really a logical argument, since Edward's absences had only started when Bella came into his life, but her words were tumbling out of her mouth before she had time to think them.

She suddenly felt Jasper's hand on her shoulder, and instantly relaxed a little. "Rosie, let's not go there," her brother said in an even voice, so different from her own passionate shouting these past few minutes. "How Edward conducts himself in his relationship is his business. Having said that, I do agree with you." He stood shoulder to shoulder with her, taking up position by her side as he had done a million times before. "I think this has gone far enough. Let's just tell her and get this over with."

"Jasper," Alice said in a voice that Rosalie knew usually got her whatever she wanted from him.

This time, however, he shook his head. "I'm not okay with this anymore, Allie."

"Oh come on, J-baby," Emmett said, and Rosalie and Jasper rolled their eyes at each other. Even a fight couldn't get Emmett away from this nickname bet. "Don't tell me you're not enjoying this a little bit."

Jasper sighed. "That's not what I'm saying, Emmett, what I'm saying is that I think we've taken this too far. Besides, it would be nice for me to be able to actually get to know Bella without having to try and hold in my laughter all the time. She seems cool." He threw Edward a sly smile that told Rosalie this was her brother's way of trying to get him on board.

Emmett, however, had also caught it. "Stop trying to smooch Edward into siding with you!" he spat at Jasper.

Rosalie looked at Carlisle and Esme, who were still standing at the sidelines, ready to jump in if things got out of hand but not yet deeming it necessary to do so. She gritted her teeth, willing herself to come up with a solution that didn't require her parents' help. She was an adult, for God's sake, although barely. She could do this.

"Let's vote," she said, just as Jasper accused Emmett of ruining everything due to his lack of thinking before he acted (which Rosalie thought was an overstatement although not a completely untrue one).

Emmett didn't hear her, jumping up on the couch in pure fury. "Now listen up, Economy Class Rosalie-" he started, but Rosalie cut him off.

"Guys, quit it," she said sharply, and both boys stopped to look at her. "Let's vote about whether we'll continue or not. That seems the fairest way to do it." It wasn't hard to know which way four out of five siblings would swing; Jasper had already voiced his support for her side, and Emmett and Alice were still enjoying this too much to put a stop to it. Rosalie had expected that from Emmett, but had silently hoped Alice's restless mind would have moved on to the next hyper fixation by now. And yet, Alice was looking at Rosalie through narrowed eyes, the first time Rosalie saw genuine hostility on her happy sister's face. Alice had been… different since this whole vampire thing started. Both more comfortable and more erratic, as if she was terrified someone would take this away from her. Rosalie put the worries about her sister out of her mind for now, focusing fully on the voting ahead.

Carlisle and Esme exchanged a look. "We'll bow out," Esme said. "You guys decided to start this, so it'll be up to you to end it."

Rosalie nodded. "Everyone in favor of telling Bella raise their hands." Only she and Jasper put a hand up. With a growing sense of dread, she said: "Now who wants to continue?" Emmett and Alice's hands flew up immediately, followed only a second later by Edward. Rosalie ground her teeth as Emmett and Alice high fived. "Fine," she grumbled. "I guess we'll continue."

Jasper looked crestfallen and Rosalie threw an arm around his shoulder. She, at least, had a poker face to be proud of, while Jazz wasn't even able to hide what he had gotten their family members for their birthdays. His attachment to Alice meant she could never be surprised since, like lying, saying no to her wasn't one of his biggest talents.

Edward leaned back in his chair. "So, mom, do you have any fun ideas of what else to do?"

Esme pursed her lips and Rosalie put her head in her hands, afraid of what would come next. Her mother had The Look on her face, as Jasper and Rosalie had called the way Alice looked before coming up with one of her outlandish ideas. Rosalie felt Jasper's hand on her hair, and knew her brother, too, had recognized the way Esme's eyes sparkled.

"I love the fact that you brought in some evil vampires, but how about we get Bella acquainted with a few good ones?" Esme suggested.

Emmett sighed. "Mom, I love and respect you, but we've already made up a clan of fellow vegetarians who live in Alaska. Six weeks ago, this would have been a killer idea."

Alice snickered softly. "No, not killer, we're veggie vamps, remember?" Emmett rolled his eyes but didn't waste a verbal answer on that physically painful pun.

"Well, maybe she would like to meet them," Esme said.

Carlisle gave his wife a careful look. "What did you have in mind, my love? I don't have any more theatrical siblings for that."

Esme giggled, a sound that aged her down fifteen years in Rosalie's eyes. "Luckily, I've got several incredibly bored drama queens in my gardening club. It'll be perfect."

Emmett raised his hands above his head. "Mom's got gaaaaaaame!" he yelled, as Rosalie tried to find the nearest wall to slam her head against.


	12. An unusual gardening club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

Esme was up early on Sunday to prepare snacks for when the ladies from her gardening club arrived that afternoon. They lived spread out over the area and usually convened in their founder Tanya's house, since Maple Grove was roughly in the middle. The sheer joy her friends had gotten out of pretending to be vampires, though, was enough to convince them to take the long drive to Forks.

Alice joined Esme in the kitchen at 7:30, stealing a still-hot blueberry scone from the baking tray in her mother's hands. The girl made to leave the room again, but Esme pointed at the kitchen table, a silent request Alice obeyed.

"Is everything okay, Al?" Esme asked softly, sitting down with a scone of her own across from her daughter. You had to test the wares before you could give them to others, right?

Alice nodded. "Everything's fine, why do you ask?" Esme wasn't sure how to answer that question. Unlike Rosalie, who had become increasingly moody as the Bella situation dragged on, Alice only turned more and more animated. And, yet, there was a tension in her small form that Esme wasn't used to. When she had asked Carlisle about it, he had shrugged and explained that Lilian had had the exact same thing when she was itching for a change. He thought Alice was just getting bored, but Esme doubted that. Rosalie had given her a perfect way out if that was the case, but her opportunistic youngest daughter hadn't taken it. Something was wrong, but Esme had never been able to get through to Alice the way she had with some of her other children. She and Carlisle often joked that the kids had been divided evenly: Edward and Jasper leaning towards Esme as Rosalie and Emmett did to her husband, with Alice split in half. The problem with that was that neither of them could really get through the happy mask she put on. The only time Esme had ever seen it break was when Alice realized her mother was really never coming back, and the girl raged and cried with a fury neither Emmett nor Edward displayed. Unlike the boys, who had looked towards their new parents for comfort, Alice had picked herself up and turned back into the overly excited girl she had been before. Esme was never sure whether it was an act or a genuine way of processing grief.

"No reason," Esme sighed. "Just know that, if something is wrong, you can always talk to me or Carlisle, okay?" Alice nodded, but Esme could see in her eyes that she was lying.

That afternoon, Tanya, punctual as ever, was the first to arrive, gardening book in hand even though they weren't here on official business. Tanya hugged Esme tight when she opened the door, abundant compliments about the house and complaints about the long drive uttered so loudly Esme was certain the whole family could hear her.

"I was so lucky Carmen and Eleazar agreed to take the girls today, otherwise I don't think I could've made it," she said, giving Esme a jealous look. "I wish mine were old enough to be left alone without ruining my house."

Esme laughed. "Trust me, they'll always break things, no matter what age they are." She thought wistfully of the beautiful glass coffee table Emmett had shattered not too long ago. Tanya's daughters were called Jynaphur and Alyzon (Tanya had a thing for unique spellings that Esme simply couldn't understand) and, although Esme would never tell her friend, were royal pains in the ass since they were spoiled rotten by their mother.

Irina, who arrived second, pale blonde curls arranged in a casual yet stylish bun Rosalie would be jealous of, had gone a similar route when naming her firstborn. Her husband Laurent was at home with the baby, a boy his parents had decided to call Fylypp, which Esme thought should be classed as psychological warfare. Despite this unnecessary act of aggression, Esme had always had a soft spot for tense, hesitant Irina, and she was pleased when her friend's critical eye swept around the living room approvingly.

"Nice color scheme you've got going on," was all Irina said. Like Esme herself, Irina had grown up in the South, and her slight lilt combined with her effortless beauty always reminded Esme of her little sister Lucy. She hadn't talked to Luce in years, but saw her every day in Rosalie's round face and Jasper's slanted eyes, which made her both sad and happy. Lucy had brought her children enough pain that they shouldn't have to be reminded of her every time they looked in the mirror, but maybe her physical appearance was the one positive thing she possessed to give to the twins.

Their final member, Kate, was, as always, thirty minutes minutes late, but was forgiven, as always, since she had her three children in tow. Her husband Garrett was in the army, which meant Kate was often on her own, a situation she conquered with a combination of sharp-witted humor and grim determination. She was also the only one who had spelled her children's names in an acceptable way, even though they were all named after great figures from American military history.

Her oldest, an excitable eight-year-old boy named George (Washington), immediately bolted towards Jasper's room, since the two had matching interests in military history. Whenever the two families met, they spent more time than Esme could imagine was enjoyable discussing their favorite leaders or reenacting battles, where George's younger siblings were usually the 'baddies'. Those two, five-year-old Willa (Sherman) and three-year-old Dwight (Eisenhower) ran after their brother with a fierce dedication Washington himself could only have hoped for from his followers.

Esme turned towards her friends. "Alice and Rosalie will watch the kids, including Emmett and Jasper, and keep them away from the living room. Are you guys still definitely up for this?"

Kate, who had flopped down in a chair and closed her eyes, reminding Esme how precious even five seconds of peace were with three small children, answered with an Emmett-worthy grin. "Of course, I think this is the funniest thing I've ever been a part of."

Tanya raised an eyebrow at her friend. Kate and Tanya had been in the club for much longer than Esme and Irina, and the women had developed the easy intimacy of sisters. "This beats your wedding?"

Esme knew Kate had had a shotgun wedding in Vegas one particularly wild night, and she had seen pictures that primarily consisted of Kate and Garrett taking shots with plastic gumball machine wedding rings proudly on display. "I'm honored this can rival that," she said, offering her friends some tea, which Kate declined in favor of coffee so strong Esme was certain it would kill any mere mortal.

"Ezzie, despite your sorority past, you are a sweet suburban wife with a renowned surgeon for a husband. The fact that your family, specifically, has gotten themselves into this mess is incredible." Kate mimed her brain exploding and Tanya laughed, a high sound Esme would have found obnoxious if it had come from a less kind heart.

Irina, on the other hand, still looked worried. "What's wrong, Rina?" Kate asked, slight annoyance mixed with endearment shining through in her voice.

Irina pursed her lips. "It just feels wrong to lie to her about this."

Emmett, who had come in to steal some snacks before he had to pretend to not have eaten for the past century again, smiled kindly at Irina. "Maybe you and Rosalie should start a support group," he suggested.

Kate seemed to think it was a good idea, but Esme frowned at him. "That's rude, Emmett. Irina, if you don't want to do this, you can go home, it's okay."

Tanya watched the exchange through narrowed eyes. "Maybe it's good for you," she said. "Let loose a little." Unlike Kate, with whom Esme had immediately bonded about their wild years, Tanya didn't talk about the time before she was a single mother who got by on cleverly investing her inheritance. The daughter of an Eastern European oil magnate who had moved to the States and married into old New England money, Esme wouldn't be surprised if Tanya had partied her way through her early twenties too, but the conversation was redirected whenever she tried to ask her.

Irina sighed, massaging her forehead as if she could feel a headache coming on. "Promise me you'll never tell my son about this, he won't look at me the same way."

"He's a baby," Kate said, but Irina didn't respond.

Esme decided to diffuse the situation by taking the trio outside to look at her garden. She couldn't help but smile when Irina came to life during the intense discussion about the exact location of Esme's rose bush. Tanya may be the president of their little club, Irina's college degree in botany meant she had the most knowledge about plants.

It had been almost an hour when Edward came outside and, as Tanya prattled about how big he was getting, warned them he was going to pick up Bella. The ladies scrubbed the dirt from under their nails and put in hazel contacts to hide their blue and green eyes.

When Esme heard the front door open, she turned to her friends, unable to keep a sly smile from creeping over her face. "It's showtime."


	13. The Denali

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

Edward's nerves kicked into overdrive when he held the front door open for Bella and heard the conversation between his mother and her friends in the living room come to a sudden halt. His hesitations around the ladies' ability to pull this off stemmed partly from their general aesthetic so specific to suburban moms and partly from the knowledge that at least Kate's children were somewhere in the house. Jasper could probably keep them busy, which would have the added bonus of keeping Jazz himself away from the scene, but Edward knew it was a risk. If one of them hit their head and started calling for their mother, it would be over immediately.

He took Bella up the stairs to the living room, shooting the Cullen triplets, who, according to Carlisle, were watching the charade from the afterlife with great interest, a hopeful glance; maybe they could help him get through this. In the living room, Tanya and Kate were sitting on the couch while Esme and Irina had taken the arm chairs. Edward almost startled at the sight of them, since the three 'Denali sisters' were wearing golden contacts, which gave them almost the same eye color as his mother. Esme, like the twins, had bright hazel eyes that they had decided were a characteristic of well-fed vegetarian vampires.

Irina threw Tanya and Kate, who were clearly the Alice and Emmett in this scenario, a nervous look and tensed her shoulders as Bella and Edward approached. Tanya got up from the couch and extended her hand, which made Bella take a deep breath and step forwards. Edward couldn't help but smile; she was a brave girl, there was no doubt about that.

"It's nice to meet you, Bella," Tanya said. She had a sharp, clear voice that reverberated through the living room like a bell. "I'm Tanya, and that's Kate and Irina." Kate grinned broadly at Bella, while Irina only offered a curt nod.

"Congratulations on reeling in the final Cullen," Kate said as Bella sat down on the couch, as far away from the vampires as she could without falling off it. Edward took a seat between Kate and Bella, and Bella relaxed a little.

Esme frowned at Kate's comment, but didn't meet it with an answer. "Would you like anything to eat or drink, Bella?" she asked.

Bella shook her head. "No, thanks. It's nice to meet you all." Edward's heart skipped a beat as she raised her head and looked each of the women straight in the eye. Irina looked away immediately, but Kate and Tanya smiled lightly; they appreciated a girl with a strong spine.

After a few moments, Tanya broke the silence just before it got uncomfortable: "It's a pity we're incomplete, but I'm sure you'll get to meet the others soon."

Bella stiffened and just stopped a gasp coming out of her throat. "How many of you are there?"

Tanya counted on her fingers. "Well, there's the three of us, and then Laurent and Garrett of course, and Carmen and Eleazar." Edward smiled at how she included her best friends in the same breath as her friend's husbands. Edward knew that Eleazar had been Tanya's childhood best friend, and Tanya had happily welcomed Carmen into their friendship when she and Eleazar started dating a few years ago. Tanya may be a single mother, she was far from alone.

A crash from upstairs distracted them from the conversation. Esme shook her head and went to investigate, mumbling something about Emmett and Jasper.

Kate immediately jumped up, too. "Can't wait to see what they've destroyed this time," she said casually, but Edward could almost hear instinctively anxious thoughts about her children flying through her mind.

As they disappeared up the stairs, Irina dug her fingernails into the arms of her chair, prompting Tanya to ask: "Is something wrong, Rina?"

Irina pressed her lips together for a few moments before answering: "I'm not sure I can condone this." She jumped up and ran outside, leaving Edward and Bella with Tanya. Edward's mind raced with ways of justifying this to Bella, but Tanya struck first.

Tanya shook her head as she watched her friend disappear, and turned to Bella with a smile. "She's doubtful about human-vampire relationships," she explained. "Don't worry about her, she'll come around."

At that moment, Esme and Kate returned with Emmett and Alice in tow. Tanya got up to hug the children, exclaiming it had been way too long but smoothly leaving out the 'you've gotten so big'-part that Edward had had to endure. Edward was slightly impressed; maybe the gardening club ladies were better at this than his siblings.

Alice sat down on the edge of the couch next to Bella, who scooted towards Edward to make space for her. Edward took the opportunity to wrap an arm around her, and threw Alice a grateful look for this subtle move. She answered with a broad, knowing grin; his sister could be a supreme wing woman when she wanted to be.

"Where's Irina?" Kate asked as she reclaimed her spot on the couch. Emmett had remained standing, probably planning on getting back to whatever battle was currently being waged upstairs as quickly as possible. While Jasper tended to be the history police in those, Emmett enjoyed just pretending to get beaten up by the children, who were convinced Emmett was the weakest member of the Cullen household.

Tanya nodded towards the garden. "Out back. She's decided she disagrees after all." The choice of words would tell those in the loop that Irina took Rosalie's side of the debate, but it also fit the story she had fed Bella.

Kate shrugged, smiling at Bella reassuringly. "She'll come around. Worst comes to worst, we can deploy Laurent."

Edward couldn't suppress a smile at Kate's casual use of 'deployed'; Garrett was definitely rubbing off on her. He leant back in the chair and asked: "How are the others?" He generally saw his mother's friends most during the summers, when the women organized barbecues and garden parties that could also be attended by their families, who were banned from club meetings. It had been awhile, and he was looking forward to the long summer ahead. Hey may only have one uncle his family was close with, but his mother's friends were fantastic stand-in aunts.

"Garrett's off looking for a fight again, but he'll be back in a few weeks. He never stays away for too long," Kate said. Edward translated in his head: Garrett had been deployed but would get leave soon.

"You make sure he doesn't," Tanya joked.

Kate threw her friend a daring look. "You know it." It elicited a laugh from the three older women while the Cullen siblings raised eyebrows at each other and decided not to prod the subject any further.

"Carmen and Eleazar are angels, as always," Tanya said, and Edward smiled at the genuine love in her voice. The women moved into a broader discussion of a recent movie, prodding Bella a few more times for her opinions, but she sat stiff and silent next to Edward.

On the way back to her house, at a safe distance away where vampire hearing couldn't pick up her words, Bella asked: "Why is Irina so against us dating? Why is Rosalie so against it, for that matter?"

Edward sighed, thinking a few moments about his answer. There was a part of him that hated lying to her, that wanted to come clean and beg her forgiveness, if he even had a chance at getting that. However, there was another, currently still dominant part of him that was having way too much fun to ruin it now.

"They think it's dangerous for the family, that we'll be exposed if… something goes wrong," he started. The idea of him hurting anyone, let alone the girl who had become the sun he revolved around in such a short period of time, was still hilarious, but Bella didn't know that. "They also think it's immoral to take your life away, that's mainly Rosalie's take; she didn't ask for any of this and hates that it's been forced on her." That final sentence, at least, was true. Edward's least favorite part of this whole thing was that Bella didn't have a chance to really get to know the sister he adored so much. Rosalie was fierce and kind, and Bella couldn't see that because of the charade. It felt almost selfish to keep it going.

Bella frowned at him and crossed her arms. "Well, it's none of their business. This is my decision."

Despite the situation, Edward couldn't suppress a smile. "I know, my love, but Rosalie especially isn't exactly known for staying in her own lane."

That made her laugh, a sweet, happy sound Edward wished he could bottle up and keep for rainy days. A part of him was certain that Bella's spirit meant she would dump him the second she found out he had been lying to her for so long. Even if the lies were getting hard, that would be much, much worse. He clenched his hands around the steering wheel, knuckles going white. The idea of her leaving was scary enough that he knew he would keep this up for as long as he could.


	14. The wolf kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

If there was one thing Jacob Black hadn't expected his childhood friend Bella to say when he told her he was wolf kin, it was: "Good Lord, is anyone in my life simply human anymore?"

Jacob raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, Bells?"

Bella had the audacity to look at him like he was the insane one. "The Cullens, obviously, I assume you know they're vampires. What's next, Charlie confesses he's secretly been an elf all along?" That thought put an amusing image in Jacob's head, although most of his brain was completely taken up by the revelation that the Cullen family were vampires. He had become friends with Emmett during their time on the football team together, and they still texted almost every day since Jacob had gone off to college in Vermont last fall. Emmett knew he was wolf kin, and Jake was certain he would have woken up to several enthusiastic phone calls if his friend, too, had had an awakening. Keeping things to himself wasn't exactly one of Emmett's core qualities.

As he replayed Bella's words in his mind, he suddenly caught something in her formulation. "Wait, are you saying _all_ the Cullens are vampires? Even Dr Cullen?!" Jacob asked, astonished. Dr Cullen had cleaned up a broken nose for him several times, and the idea that he owed that to a bloody vampire made Jake a little uncomfortable.

Bella nodded. "I'm dating Edward and he told me all about it. I'm not supposed to talk about it with anyone, but I thought you would be okay, being a werewolf and all."

"I'm not really a werewolf-" Jacob started, but Bella interrupted him.

"It's okay, Jake, if there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that all the stories are true, just not quite how you expect them to be. Please let me process this before you explain the intricate details to me," Bella sighed.

Jacob nodded as he heard his father call it was time to go home. "Sure, I'll talk to you later, yeah?" he said, mind already on the angry text he was going to send Emmett.

When he got home, he decided to call Emmett instead of texting him. His friend picked up on the seventh ring, and Jacob just knew Emmett had spent the past few minutes frantically overturning several pieces of furniture looking for his phone. He was lucky his head was screwed on, otherwise he would lose that too.

"Jakie! You back?" Emmett bellowed into the phone. Jacob could hear Rosalie yelling at him to shut up in the background, and he smiled to himself. Even though he was closest with Emmett, he had missed the whole Cullen family dearly. On nights when his dad was working late, he had always been welcome to stay for dinner, and he had spent most of those times enjoying the show that was the Cullen kids' endless loving bickering. He had always thought he would never know what it felt like to have that kind of bond with other people, until he met his pack at college. A few of them were coming over next week to check out the woods around Forks and he couldn't wait, already missing the connection with them.

"Yeah, I'm back," Jacob answered. "But you've got a lot of explaining to do, young man." Emmett chuckled. Jacob was a year older than Emmett, and his pretending to give sagely advice was one of their favorite bits. "Why didn't you tell me you were vampire kin?"

Emmett made a confused noise. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I just talked to Bella Swan, who was mainly disgruntled when I told her I was wolf kin, since your whole family are vampires," Jacob explained. "Your brother better take good care of her, by the way, or he'll answer to me. Our dads are old friends, so we've known each other for as long as I can remember."

On the other side of the line, Emmett dissolved into hysterical laughter, calling his siblings' names in between bursts. "Jake, Edward for some reason told Bella we're vampires, and we've been pretending it's true for months now," he managed to say. "It's just an act, completely different from what you've got."

There was only one reaction Jacob could muster: "What the actual fuck, Emmett."

"Just come over tomorrow and we'll explain everything," Emmett said. "We've all missed you like hell."

Jacob smiled into the phone. "I've missed you guys, too," he said, although he could already feel a headache coming on. There was always something up with the Cullens, but this was wild even for them. "I'll be there."

The next afternoon, Jacob sat in the Cullens' living room, enjoying a cold glass of homemade lemonade and some ginger snaps, as Emmett explained the situation, sometimes interrupted by one of his siblings. Edward was absent, since he was hanging out with Bella, and so was Dr Cullen, who was on duty at the hospital.

"So, long story short, she thought you were vampires and things got out of hand," Jacob summarized. 

Emmett nodded. "It started as a joke, and now Alice can see the future and Jasper was a confederate soldier."

Jacob frowned at Jasper. "Unfortunate."

Jasper shrugged. "Agreed, but it's the period of history I know most about, and it explains my drawl." Jasper, like Mrs Cullen, did have a slight Southern accent that became more prominent when he was emotional or drunk (or a fun combination of both). Jacob had a clear memory of the time he, Emmett, and the twins had broken into Dr Cullen's liquor cabinet and Jasper's accent had become so strong he had been unintelligible to everyone except Rosalie. She had more self-control than her brother but was still pretty tipsy, and had claimed twin telepathy meant they didn't even have to use words. Jacob and Emmett had laughed their asses off for ten minutes as the twins tried to communicate through simply staring at each other intently.

Rose currently looked like she hated every single moment of this conversation. "The rest of his backstory is batshit because he's just Like That, though," she said, the capitals audible in the way she spoke. Jasper stuck out his tongue at his sister, who only rolled her eyes in response.

Emmett was looking at Jacob expectantly. "So, do you want in?" he asked. "I'm not opposed to introducing some werewolves into this story."

Jacob sighed. "I'm not pretending, though, wolf kin is who I am. I'm not sure I want to put a part of my identity into your little charade."

Emmett nodded, the look in his eyes so solemn it made Jacob smile. Emmett had never made fun of the fact that Jacob was kin, had never even joked about it, had simply accepted it and moved on, the way only Emmett knew how. Jacob would forever be grateful to his friend for giving him such a positive reaction the first time he told someone how he really felt inside.

"You don't have to if you don't want to, just please don't tell Bella the truth," Emmett said.

Jacob shook his head. "Of course not, Em, but I'm not sure I want to join either." He bit his lip. "Part of my pack's visiting next week, I'll see what they think, okay?" He could pretty much predict how his friends would feel about this; Quil and Embry would be all for it, Sam would think it made a mockery of their identity, and Leah had the tendency to be generally opposed to anything fun.

"Whether you want in or not, you should come to our end-of-year-party, and bring your friends," Emmett said. After a strict look from his sister, he amended: " _Alice's_ end-of-year-party, the rest of us are just her minions." Jacob laughed; nothing new there.

Mrs Cullen raised an eyebrow at her youngest daughter. "I distinctly remember something about you being grounded."

Alice gave her mother a dazzling smile. "You said we weren't allowed to go to any parties, there was nothing in the rules about throwing them."

Mrs Cullen put her head in her hands. "Sometimes I feel like we should let our solicitor draw up the rules for grounding in this house," she mumbled, but nodded her assent. "I assume invitations have already been sent out, so it'll be hard to call it off now."

Alice nodded happily as Jacob and her siblings chuckled. Alice's face then became serious as she turned towards him and held out her hand, little finger outstretched. "Pinky promise you won't tell Bella," she said. Jacob laughed and wrapped his big finger around her small one. He had forgotten she still used that as religiously as she had when the family had first come to Forks, when she had been thirteen.

"I promise," he said. Part of him was a little relieved he didn't live at home anymore; dealing with the Cullen family shenanigans was truly a full-time job.


	15. A little party never killed nobody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

If there was one thing Alice loved more than anything else in the world, it was throwing parties. And if there was one thing Jasper hated more than anything else in the world, it was attending said parties. There were too many people, too much noise, too many flashing lights, too many expectations to have an absolutely unrealistic amount of fun.

However, he couldn't help but be infected by his siblings' enthusiasm when they assembled in the living room the morning of the party to set everything up. Rosalie was putting the finishing touches on her best playlist yet as Emmett and Edward discussed where they could best set up the beer pong table (or lemonade pong, after a stern look from their mother).

Alice was looking at him expectantly, some of the last decorations in her hands. Her eyes sparkled with excitement, two gleaming night skies with shining stars in the middle. He smiled back and took the final touches from her; they had to be hung far above her head and she was way too proud to use a step.

She watched him through narrowed eyes, undoubtedly aware that his excitement was only the result of his siblings' happiness. "It'll be fun, Jazz, I just know it," she said, taking his hand and pulling him towards their brothers to explain that _absolutely not_ could the lemonade pong table be in the middle of the living room, that was supposed to be the dance floor, and did no one have _vision_.

That night, Jasper and Emmett were waiting at the bottom of the stairs for the girls to come down, who had locked themselves in their bathroom for the past two hours.

"Are you excited?" Emmett asked.

Jasper sighed. "You know I'm not. I just hope I can find a quiet place to sit and eat chips until this is all over."

Emmett clacked his tongue. "No eating, we're still vampires, remember?"

"Then what am I supposed to at this party?" Jasper groaned.

"Talk to people? Dance? Have fun? Be a normal teenager? You can't go into college with that attitude, Mr Tall-Blond-and-Handsome. I know you'll be in Seattle so you can see the little one all the time, but you should still make some new friends." Despite the ridiculous nickname (someone was clearly running out of ideas), Emmett sounded genuinely concerned. When the time for college decisions had come, Rose and Emmett had chosen as a unit to attend NYU, since Rosalie's dream job had always been kickass Manhattan lawyer, and Emmett saw a glorious career for himself as her arm candy. Jasper had picked Seattle so he could be near Alice, who still had a year of high school left. Surprisingly to Jasper, Emmett had been the one to protest against this, arguing that Jasper's grades were good enough to go to an Ivy League. Jasper had the idea that Emmett was scared he would get stuck in the person he was now, so focused on Alice he forgot to enjoy his freshman year for what it was. Jasper wasn't too worried; he had already been in contact with his roommate Peter, who turned out to have a girlfriend Alice's age, Charlotte. They had bonded immediately about this, and Jasper was beyond excited to meet him.

Before Jasper could answer his brother, the girls appeared at the top of the stairs, and Emmett immediately forgot their conversation when he caught sight of Rosalie. His face split in two with such a big grin it made Jasper smile in turn. Emmett then of course proceeded to ruin the beautiful moment by wolf whistling so loudly Jasper flinched, but Rose didn't seem to mind. She giggled as she gracefully descended the stairs, Emmett picking her up from the third bottom step and spinning her around. Jasper had to admit that his sister looked fantastic in her red dress, but thoughts of Rosalie were forgotten when Alice appeared at his side. Her pale skin was illuminated by the contrast with her black dress and what must be an illegal amount of highlighter. Her only accessory was a small ribbon choker necklace with the Cullen family crest. They all had a piece of jewelry with the crest on it, although Jasper never wore his; the girls' necklaces and his brothers' leather armbands were relatively subtle, but he didn't think showing up to school with the biggest belt buckle in history with the crest on it would go unnoticed.

He smiled down at Alice as she took his arm. "You look radiant," he said, and she leaned her head against his chest.

At that moment, Edward and Bella came in and inspected the decorations. Jasper had switched the light bulbs to give the living room some purple lighting, which created an intimate atmosphere when combined with the dimmer Rose and Emmett had installed. The furniture had been pushed up against the walls, leaving room for the dance floor Alice had so desperately wanted. The snacks and drinks had been arranged in rainbow order by Rosalie, which, although it had been a pain watching her decide which Doritos were the most orange, was quite pleasing to look at.

"It looks great, guys," Bella said, looking around.

Alice made a soft, happy sound, and squeezed Jasper's arm as the bell rang. "It's starting," she squealed, dancing towards the front door to open it for the first guests.

Two hours later, Jasper was pretty much done with this whole 'party'-thing. He had witnessed Mike Newton lose lemonade pong so badly the boy had almost cried, had seen Eric Yorkie and Angela Weber break up, get back together by making out, and then break up again, and had even watched Jessica Stanley try to teach the entire room to vogue to _Decode_ by Paramore. And it was _eleven_ (and Emmett hadn't even sneaked out the beer yet).

He heard the doorbell ring and practically bolted into the hallway for a brief respite from the busy living room. He opened the door to find Jacob and four people, three boys and a girl, he didn't know.

Jacob pulled him in for a hug. "Hey Jazz, you look like you're having a miserable time," he laughed.

Jasper grinned. "There's more than eight people here, of course I'm miserable."

Emmett appeared at Jasper's shoulder to greet his friend, and the rest of Jacob's pack, as he called them, introduced themselves. The oldest, Sam, was the biggest man Jasper had ever seen. When Emmett asked him after his workout routine, Sam launched straight into a serious explanation of the importance of correctly dividing your workouts between different muscle groups.

He was interrupted by the taller one of the other boys, who shook first Emmett and then Jasper's hand. "Please don't get Sam started, he'll never stop," he said. "I'm Embry, I always thought Jake had just made you up to pretend he wasn't a total loser before he met us, but here you are."

"Being friends with us is definitely an indication he was a loser," Emmett said, and Embry chuckled.

The second guy followed suit and shook their hands. "Quil, I never doubted Jacob," was all he said.

"A terrible decision, really," Emmett mumbled, and Jasper turned towards the last member of the pack, who only gave him a curt nod.

"Leah," she said. "For the record, I still think you guys are actors Jacob hired."

Jasper and Emmett snickered, and Emmett leaned towards Jacob. "Have you talked to them about… you know."

Jacob looked at his friends and an inaudible conversation took place, one Jasper could see but not hear. Jake shook his head. "We won't tell, but we also won't participate."

Emmett nodded his understanding, not trying to convince them otherwise, and him and Jasper ushered them in, looking for the rest of their siblings. Alice was making small talk with some girls from her year and came to introduce herself, but Jasper was distracted when he spotted Rosalie out on the porch, with Bella of all people. They both looked serious, and, for a moment, he questioned what they were talking about. Unlike some others he wouldn't name here, Rosalie wouldn't immediately grab any opportunity to tell Bella the next part of this crazy story.

He wondered whether he should go outside to see if his sister was okay, but was distracted by Alice, who clapped happily when _Supermassive Black Hole_ came on, which was currently 'their song' (it changed every few months). Edward always said you couldn't dance to Muse, but Edward couldn't really dance to anything, so what did he know. Jasper could feel a grin spreading over his face as he spun Alice around before pulling her close. For a moment, they weren't at a party at all, it was just him and the person who made him happiest, doing what made her happiest. They were together, and things were good.

The spell was broken by a loud "YEET" that resounded through the living room as a pingpong ball sailed over Alice's head, hitting Jasper square in the face.

"Whoopsie doopsie," Emmett yelled from the other side of the room. The grin on his brother's face made it clear it hadn't been an accident, but Jasper simply didn't feel like being mad.

Instead, he pointed at his own eyes with two fingers, then at Emmett's. and said: "You. Me. Beer pong table. One minute. Prepare to be destroyed."

Emmett let out one of his booming laughs. "What are you planning to do in that one minute that'll give you enough skills to beat me, my cousin's keeper?"

Jasper grinned. "This," he said, before bending down to kiss Alice to the sound of fifty cheering students.


	16. An unlikely alliance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

The morning after the Cullens' party, Bella Swan woke up with a strange feeling in her stomach. She wasn't sure whether it was due to the copious amounts of chips and salsa she had consumed the night before, the few beers Emmett had snuck her without Edward seeing, or Rosalie's revelation that vampires, in fact, did not exist at all. Bella had put her fingers to the other girl's slender throat and felt the strong heartbeat beneath her flawless skin. Although it was a slight relief that her boyfriend did not want to tear her open and drink her blood, Bella couldn't help but be a little disappointed. She had been less than excited about moving to Forks, and the idea of vampires had made it fun, instead of making her feel like a stray cat her parents passed around. Besides, she had enjoyed the idea that she herself could be turned into a vampire one day. Being with Edward for all eternity and an easy way out of her clumsiness was truly a win-win situation.

There was another part of her, however, that was furious at Edward for lying to her. Rosalie had insisted there was no malice behind it, that it had simply been a joke that had gone too far, but Bella could still feel the anger bubble in her stomach. Not only had he lied to her for three months, his whole family had participated; Alice and Emmett, her favorite Cullens besides Edward, with an unmatched amount of glee, according to Rosalie. Bella couldn't believe Rosalie, of all people, had been the one to break the news to her. Rosalie, who was completely transparent about her dislike of Edward's new girlfriend, who barely spoke to her, who found an excuse to leave any room Bella entered. Bella wasn't sure she would have been more surprised if quiet Jasper had suddenly declared his love for her.

She wondered how much of his refusal to speak to her had been due to the vampire act, too. Rosalie had explained Jasper avoided her because he was a horrible liar, but a voice in the back of Bella's head told her that the Hale twins, as they were really twins after all, just didn't like her. Although, Rosalie had pitied her enough to break her pinky promise to Alice (Bella couldn't fathom why they still used that as a foundation for genuine trust) and tell Bella what was going on.

When she checked her phone, Bella encountered a message from her dad that said he had gone fishing with Harry Clearwater but would be back before dinner; something from Edward about her having made it home safe (Carlisle, wearing a festive, balloon-patterned scarf had driven her home, probably aware he had failed to prevent underage drinking at the party); and a text from an unknown number.

 _If you're still up for it, I've got a great plan to get back at them. Rose._ Bella smiled to herself at the proper use of punctuation, grammar, and spelling. Maybe it wasn't that surprising after all that sensible Rosalie had been the one to tell her.

 _Great wanna come over_ , she shot back, and they arranged Rosalie would be at Bella's house at one, which gave Bella time to take a shower and clean up a little. She doubted Rosalie's critical eye would be diminished by the fact that she was human.

Rose arrived at one o'clock on the dot, looking a little less pulled together than Bella was used to. She wasn't wearing any make-up, her hair had been haphazardly pulled into a messy bun, and she was dressed in what Bella determined to be athleisure instead of her usual, carefully thought through outfits. She was still the most beautiful girl Bella had ever seen. _Maybe if Edward and I end up breaking up because of this, I can steal Rosalie away from Emmett_ , she thought to herself.

Rosalie took a seat at the kitchen table and accepted the cup of coffee Bella offered her, which was a first. She had never seen a Cullen eat or drink anything, and Rosalie looked almost unnatural calmly sipping her coffee. They sat in silence for a few moments, seeming like two normal friends reuniting after a party to piece together what the hell had happened the night before.

"So, how have you been coping since yesterday?" Rosalie asked finally, voice softer and kinder than Bella was used to.

Bella shrugged. "I'm disappointed and angry at the same time. I just can't believe he thought it was okay for him to lie to me for so long."

"I promise he didn't mean to do you any harm," Rosalie insisted, quick to defend her little brother even if she didn't agree with his actions. "The Cullens tend to go big and never go home." She bit her lip, momentarily distracting Bella from what she was saying. "That's where mom, Jazz, and I come in. We ground them, keep them from flying so high they could never get back to earth."

At the mention of Rosalie's twin, a horrible thought muscled its way into Bella's brain. "Rose, if he wasn't in a vampire army, how did Jasper get his scars?"

Rosalie's mouth tightened, trying to contain an emotion Bella wasn't certain was sadness or anger or a mix of both. "Jasper and I had a different life from the others before we came to Carlisle and Esme. Esme always says our mother, her little sister Lucy, is a good person, but she was definitely a horrible parent. Her boyfriends weren't exactly nice to either of us, but they tended to go harder on Jazz because he's a boy." She smiled a fierce, sharp thing that told Bella that, if Rosalie ever had to make a choice, Jasper was the person she jumped in front of to stop the bullet. "Jasper calls them battle scars, and I guess they are, in some way. They may not be the battles history will remember, but that doesn't make them any less important."

Bella smiled, the love in Rosalie's voice making her wish for a sibling she had never wanted before. "Do you think he'll really become a soldier at some point?"

Rosalie laughed. "Absolutely not. His 'trying not to laugh'-face may be scary, but he's one of the softest people I know. No, Jazz is going to major in history, become one of those professors that only wears sweater vests and leaves fingerprints on the lives of all his students, and then die within hours of Alice at the glorious age of ninety-seven."

"How about you?" Bella asked. It was fun to think about the Cullens' plans, fun to realize that they had futures to grow into after all.

Rosalie's smile turned into something fiercer, something so packed with longing Bella got excited for her future before she had even opened her mouth. "I am going to rock the courtroom as a sexual abuse lawyer, while Emmett is my trophy husband who takes care of our children."

"You've really thought this out, huh," Bella said. "So far, all I've got is paying Edward back for lying to me, the rest is a blur."

"You'll get there," Rosalie reassured her, grinning. "Besides, paying Edward back is a great first step. Maybe, this is our time to go big." Her eyes sparkled as she smiled devilishly at Bella. "I wish we could tell Jasper, but he'll reveal it the second Alice says a single word to him, so that would be a waste of our effort."

"Just you and me then?" Bella asked, unable to keep the hope out of her voice.

"Just you and me," Rosalie affirmed. "And I propose we keep it like that. I thought you could make increasingly difficult demands to prove our vampire skills of Edward, preferably ones involving the whole family. Maybe you could start with asking them to move some furniture for you; Emmett and Jasper won't have trouble there, so try to only get Edward and Alice involved."

Bella could feel a smile spreading over her face. "That sounds like a great idea," she said, as she high-fived her new partner in crime. She grabbed her phone and dialed Edward's number. He picked up on the first ring; impressive, without vampire speed.

"Hello my dear, how are you?" Edward asked, voice slightly sleepy. Maybe she would have found that suspicious had she still thought he was a vampire, but she probably would have waved it away. Man, she had been in _deep_.

"I'm great!" she said happily. "I was just wondering if you could come over later to help me with something. Bring Alice, I didn't get to talk to her at all last night, she was too busy playing hostess."

Edward chuckled. "I haven't seen her yet, but I'm sure she's happy to come along. We'll be there at four."

"Sounds fantastic," Bella said. "See you then, love you."

"Love you too," Edward responded, and she hung up.

Rosalie was watching her through narrowed eyes. "You're still in love with him?"

Bella bit her lip, considering the question. Her stomach somersaulted when she thought about Edward, about his hands stroking her hair and massaging her back, his lips on hers. Thoughts of him drove the girl across from her from her mind completely. "Yes," she said. "Although it'll take me some time to trust him again."

Rosalie nodded, satisfied. "Good. He really does love you, you know."

"I know. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to give him a hard time."

Rosalie's smile deepened into an almost evil grin. _Clever as the devil and twice as pretty_ , Bella thought. "I think it's every girlfriend's duty to make sure her boyfriend knows who's in charge," Rosalie said, and Bella laughed. It seemed she and Rosalie Hale were going to get along after all.


	17. You owe me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

The only thing that could prevent Alice from getting up at the crack of dawn was alcohol. Even though they had sworn to their parents there would be no drinking at the party, Emmett had somehow gotten his hands on beer, and Alice had drunk a few of them. Since she was pint-sized herself, that was more than enough to make her quite tipsy. Most of last night had become a blur of people, dancing, and Emmett and Jasper's endless beer/lemonade (a little bit of both had been judged safest by the watchful eye of Rosalie) pong game. Two out of three had turned into three out of five, until they had settled on six out of eleven. Jasper had won, barely, and claimed a kiss from her as his prize, even though she had tried to explain to him he didn't need to win anything to earn that. She had barely thought of Bella all night, and now cursed herself for that. She would never forgive herself if what gave their story away was her being a drunk mess. No matter how convoluted it was all getting, she enjoyed being a vampire, and she enjoyed her 'gift' even more; it was nice to have something to set oneself apart.

When she dragged herself out of bed, it was two o'clock. Downstairs, she encountered the three boys, who also looked a little worse for wear. Emmett was stretched out on the couch, face down, and Alice wondered whether he was asleep. Jasper and Edward were in the arm chairs, staring into space, and glanced up when she came in, matching dead stares in their eyes.

"You guys look how I feel," Alice said as a greeting. She went to the kitchen to make a bowl of cereal, where her parents pointedly ignored her from the kitchen table. There was gonna be a storm about last night later, that was for sure.

When she returned to the living room and sat down on the floor to lean against Jasper's legs, Edward looked up. "Al, how do you feel about going over to Bella's later? She needs help with something and asked whether you would come along, since she hardly got to see you last night."

Alice groaned. Although she genuinely liked Bella, she wasn't certain whether her brain could handle pretending to be a vampire right now. "I can hardly say I got off my tits on some mountain lion blood last night and am therefore indisposed, right?"

Emmett, apparently awake after all, let out a short laugh. "Yeah, I think even Bella would get suspicious at that."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. "I said we would be there at four, so you've got a few hours to pull yourself together." Alice nodded and made a mental inventory of the things she had to do to be able to pass as a non-hungover vampire this afternoon. She felt her stomach somersault as the fear of accidentally having ruined the story last night hit her fully. Maybe she should try to have a vision today, to sell it again.

Emmett distracted her from her thoughts when he turned onto his side and, eyeing Jasper, asked: "Well, Other Hale Twin, what would you like to do today?"

"Go back to the bed," came the hoarse response. Alice looked back in amusement. Jasper had completely lost his voice last night, after too much screaming in victory around the beer pong incident, and clearly hadn't fully gained it back yet.

He looked at her through half-closed eyes. "I know, I sound very sexy right now," he croaked.

Alice giggled. "Sure you do, Steven Tyler on steroids." Jasper closed his eyes again, ignoring her comment.

At a quarter to four, Alice and Edward were in the Volvo driving towards Bella's house. Alice had taken a much-needed cold shower, done some quick stretches, and painted a light coat of glitter on both Edward and herself, since the Forks cloud bank had decided to let the sun break through today. Edward sparkled in the driver's seat whenever the rays hit the car, making the scene almost fairytale-like; or maybe she was still a little drunk.

"I just hope she doesn't needs us to do anything too difficult," Alice mumbled, leaning her head against the window.

Edward chuckled. "She might just some need help piecing the whole night together. You're not the only one who went a little too hard."

"Well, then she's looking for answers in the wrong place," Alice answered decisively.

At her house, however, Bella was looking infuriatingly awake as she watched them walk towards her front door. Alice knew how much she loved their sparkly skin, it was truly one of her best works, if she said so herself. Edward kissed her hello and Alice gave her a big hug, breathing in the scent of Bella's strawberry shampoo. As she did so, Alice was hit with a sudden wave of dread; whatever was coming next, whatever they were here for, it was going to be bad. She bit her lip, contemplating how rude it would be to just run right back to the car and let Edward handle this one on his own.

"Did you guys still enjoy the party after I left?" Bella asked, leading them into the living room, where Alice perched uncomfortably on the edge of her seat.

Edward nodded. "Jasper won the beer pong contest of the century, in case you're interested."

Bella tilted her head to the side. "I was wondering about that. I didn't expect vampires to play beer pong."

Alice threw Edward an angry look for bringing it up, shoving down the anxiety that rose in her chest. "Jasper and Emmett play anything that's even remotely competitive," she said quickly. For a change, the statement was entirely true; you couldn't leave those two along with a game of Connect Four or it would become an epic battle. Carlisle had banned Monopoly from the Cullen household after the boys spent three weeks entwined in a seemingly endless game that had ended with Emmett flipping the glass coffee table when he finally lost, which promptly shattered into a million pieces.

Bella nodded and turned towards Edward. "Now, can you guys help me with something? Charlie's been talking about rearranging the couches for ages, and I thought it would be fun to do it for him, as a surprise!" She clapped her hands, and Alice smiled for a moment at her enthusiasm before the realization of why, exactly, Edward and her were here set in. "I can't move them by myself, but that must be not problem for you guys, right?" Bella asked innocently.

Edward shot Alice a look that contained so much anxiety it made her even more nervous. Besides her daily yoga, which wouldn't be enough to help her lift a couch, Alice hadn't exercised in years, since 'Carlisle' had written a note to her PE teacher that she had a long-lasting condition and couldn't participate. Edward wouldn't have much more success, since he abhorred any sport that wasn't mental (chess was his favorite). _If only Jasper or Emmett were here_ , she thought.

Edward cleared his throat. "Well, love, maybe it's best if you stay in the kitchen while we do this. We wouldn't want you to hurt yourself." He let out a short, fake laugh that Bella didn't seem to pick up on.

"Okay," Bella said sweetly, and disappeared into the kitchen after she had explained where she wanted the couches.

Alice, now really starting to panic, ran over to her brother. "What the hell are we going to do, Edward?" she hissed at him.

Edward shrugged, eyes wide in desperation. "You take one side, I'll take the other?" he proposed, and Alice hit him on the arm in frustration.

"I'll break every single nail and a few fingers too," she pouted, looking at her burgundy-colored nails the way someone else might look at a loved one who was going overseas. The anxiety in her stomach turned to fear, and she made her decision, digging those beautiful nails into their little project and holding on for dear life. "The things I do to keep this show on the road."

Half an hour later, they had managed to pull, push, and carry the couches to the approximate positions Bella had indicated. They were both panting hard; Edward had gotten a couch on his toes at some point and hopped around the room on one leg, trying not to scream and alert Bella; and Alice's beautiful nail polish, carefully applied by Rosalie the night before, had indeed been destroyed.

Alice flopped down on one of the newly arranged couches and pointed a sad-looking index finger at Edward. "You better be really nice to me for the next hundred years of your immortal life."

Edward looked as if he was going to hit her with a witty remark, but sat up straight when Bella entered the room.

"It looks great!" she gasped. The sun burst through the clouds in Edward's eyes, and Alice knew this whole fiasco had been worth it to him just to see the look on Bella's face. Alice had never thought she would find something worth destroying a fresh coat of polish for, but the anxiety in her stomach had lifted as she realized they had managed to pull this off. She would do anything, as long as it meant not spoiling the story.


	18. The absolute worst idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

Emmett was just starting to get bored when Edward burst into the living room screaming for a family meeting, disturbing Jasper, who was helping Emmett beat an impossible level on Super Mario he had gotten stuck on.

Carlisle, wearing his scarf that had the entire script of the _Bee Movie_ printed on it (Emmett had gotten him that one and he wasn't sure his father knew it wasn't just random letters), emerged from his study looking more than a little agitated. "What's so horribly wrong that our neighbors, who, I should mention, live five miles away, have to hear about it too?"

Emmett grinned at his father. His parents, Rosalie, and Jasper had been enjoying the relative peace they had been blessed with since the party four days ago. Emmett and Alice, however, were getting so bored they had almost reverted back to their favorite pastime when they were not pretending to be vampires: spray painting their siblings. They had once gotten Rosalie so good with neon green that she had chased them around the house for fifteen minutes, meaning to genuinely murder them when she got her hands on them. Edward's panic, however, was an indication they may not have to resort to that just yet.

When they had all assembled in the living room, they turned their attention to Edward, who had, quite literally, called this family meeting. "Bella wants me to take her on a tour of the tree tops of Forks," he blurted out. Emmett couldn't help but laugh at the formulation, and the rest of the family chuckled along as Edward fumed.

Once they had composed themselves, Edward continued: "Guys, what the hell am I supposed to do? If I say no, she might get suspicious, but if I say yes, I'll have to climb a tree with Bella on my back. I'll probably end up getting us both killed, and then Charlie Swan will have to learn necromancy to bring me back to life only so he can kill me again."

Rosalie had a big smile on her face, and Emmett rolled his eyes in her direction. "No, Rose, we're not going to tell her. We can figure this out."

She held up her hands. "I didn't say anything, Em, you did."

"Well, if anyone's got a fantastic idea, I'd love to hear it," Edward sighed.

They all automatically turned to Alice, whose small face was contorted into a look of pained anxiety. "I've got nothing," she admitted. Edward put his head in his hands, resigned to the idea that, if Alice couldn't figure it out, there was simply no solution to be found.

Emmett, however, wasn't going to give up so quickly. "What if you only take her on a tour of the tree tops around our house?" he suggested. He got only confusion from the other family members, so he explained: "I've still got that net under my bed from the time Alice decided she wanted to join the circus."

He gave his sister a pointed look, and Alice shrugged. "If my heart tells me something, I have to pursue it."

"Anyway, it's pretty big, and you can put it up in the forest. Alice's boyfriend and I tried it that time we had a bet about who dared to jump from the highest tree branch." Emmett had won that one, and broken an arm in the process, but it had been worth it.

Esme raised an eyebrow. "Alice's boyfriend has a name, remember."

"We have a bet," Jasper said, which was enough of an explanation.

Edward bit his lip. "How likely do you think it is we'll still die if we fall?"

"Well, we survived, so you'll be fine too." Emmett shrugged. "There's a chance you'll break a limb, but I think that one was on me for jumping half into the net and half next to it."

Carlisle looked doubtful. "Guys, both as a doctor and a parental figure, I really can't condone this."

"But," Alice said, "if something does go wrong, you'll be right there to help."

Carlisle threw her a look somewhere between disappointment, anger, and exasperation. "You're not wrong, but there's very little even I can do to remedy a broken neck. In case you've forgotten, Edward isn't actually immortal."

Emmett turned to his father. "However, I half-missed the net and I'm still in one piece," he offered.

"Yes, but we all know even a steamroller couldn't put a dent in you."

Emmett gasped. "Dad, was that _sarcasm_?" Carlisle just stared him down as Emmett and his siblings exchanged overly confused glances. "What do you guys think, döppelganger? Alien abduction?"

Jasper examined Carlisle through narrowed eyes. "Definitely an alien impostor."

"This impostor is still your father," Carlisle said sharply, and Emmett and Jasper mumbled an apology. It was often easy to forget that Carlisle and Esme were in charge in the end. Maybe it was their age or the casual style of parenting they preferred (disregarding the lecture and subsequent grounding for the rest of their lives for the second time in the past few weeks they had gotten for the drinking at the party), but Emmett had the tendency to forget they weren't all equal.

Edward sighed. "If we stay safely within the boundaries of the net, we should be fine, dad," he said. "My main worry is that even Bella will get suspicious if she sees there's a net in our backyard."

"Just say you put it up for her specifically," Alice proposed. "You're pretty protective of her and she's kind of a klutz, so it wouldn't be that strange of a move."

Edward frowned at Alice for calling Bella a klutz, but nodded his assent, and Emmett couldn't suppress a grin; even Edward had to admit that girl got herself into a _lot_ of trouble.

That afternoon, Emmett and Jasper were standing underneath the trees in the forest just behind their house. The net extended much farther than Emmett remembered, and Alice was sitting in one of the trees towards the edge of it; partly to sell the story, but mostly because she had revived her dream of joining the circus one day. Emmett and Jasper had been placed next to the net by Carlisle, who still disapproved of the idea, but would rather have his children undertake it with his knowledge than without. Emmett wasn't sure what his dad thought him and Jasper would be able to do if Edward and Bella did take a tumble from a tree top, but he was more than happy to stand here if it made his father feel better.

Jasper glanced nervously up at Alice, who was now hanging upside down from the branch she had been sitting on. "She'll be fine, Mother Hen," Emmett said.

Jasper looked away from Alice for a moment to roll his eyes at Emmett, the exasperation in his face making him look more like Rosalie than ever before. "Please tell me you'll give up the nickname thing when someone breaks their neck."

"Not a single chance," Emmett grinned, but their conversation was interrupted when Edward and Bella appeared at Edward's bedroom window.

Bella looked extremely nervous as she clung to his back, but Edward beat her completely when it came to anxiety. He threw his brothers a panicked look, crossed himself, and stepped onto the branch of the tree closest to his bedroom window. Alice gave Bella an excited wave from where she was hanging, which Bella answered with a small nod. Edward started to walk around the tree, swaying a little when he stepped into the next one. They were now fully above the net, and Emmett could feel his brother relax next to him. 

Rosalie came outside at that moment, taking up position next to Jasper. "How many limbs have we lost?" she whispered to him.

Jasper leaned towards his sister, eyes still glued to Alice. "None so far, but we're only ninety seconds in."

Edward climbed higher and higher until they were out of sight from the trio on the ground. Alice took that moment to climb down and stand with the rest of them.

"Do you think she's buying it?" she said quietly.

Emmett, who knew he was the only other person present who hoped she did, mumbled back: "If she is, her IQ must be in the single digits. This is probably the worst we've ever done." The comment elicited a snort from Rosalie, but Emmett ignored her. "I think taking her higher up was a smart move, that'll sell it."

"But there's a bigger chance of them breaking their necks when they plummet down to earth," Jasper shot back.

"That would solve our problem, though," Emmett said without thinking, which earned him a slap on the back of the head from Rosalie.

They collectively held their breaths until Edward and Bella reemerged and made it safely back to Edward's bedroom. The siblings took the net down, and were just sitting down in the living room when the couple came downstairs.

"That was incredible!" Bella exclaimed when she saw them. "I can't believe you guys get to do that every day!"

Alice threw Emmett and excited and unbelieving look before chirping: "I knew you would enjoy it!"

Edward led Bella out of the house to drive her home, and Jasper turned to the rest of them, the confusion radiating off him almost palpable. "Is it just me or is is that girl genuinely stupid?"

With a big smile on her face, Rosalie answered: "I honestly have no idea."


	19. The baseball scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!

Edward had been absolutely certain that, after the treetop tour-fiasco, nothing Bella asked could be that bad. As it turned out, he was wrong. Her requesting she could watch his family play one of the vampire baseball games Emmett and Alice had had so much fun about was definitely, _infinitely_ worse. Nothing Alice had stashed under any of their beds would be able to give them the supernatural speed they required to pull this off. When he tried to tell Bella no, however, she looked so crestfallen that he quickly retracted his original statement and said she was more than welcome to join them that Sunday.

When he explained the situation to the rest of the family, their reactions were mostly as expected. Emmett and Alice began a furious discussion of whether they could install super-powered hover boards in their shoes to make them go faster; relief washed off Jasper in waves; and Carlisle and Esme simply exchanged a knowing glance as the charade was indeed finally coming to an end as they had expected.

Rosalie, however, was a different story. Instead of joining either her brother's or her parents' mood, she threw her head back and laughed so loudly the whole family turned to her. "I just can't wait to see you guys try this," she gasped.

"We're not going to," Edward said matter-of-factly. "Our best shot is telling her we'll do it at human speed so she can see us, and hope she buys it."

Emmett shrugged. "She's bought everything else so far."

Edward had to admit that was true, but he feared this would push even Bella to her limits. She had been… different lately; something was wrong but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. For a moment, he wished he really could read minds to figure out what he could do to make things better, but he pushed that thought away.

That Sunday, Edward drove Bella to the clearing in Emmett's Jeep, where the rest of the family, who had elected to hike there from their house, waited for them. They were all wearing baseball outfits for the occasion, and formed a cohesive group of white and navy blue. Rosalie and Alice had purchased the clothes last Christmas, partly as a joke, and partly because they were all for improving the family aesthetic at every turn. Carlisle, of course, had accessorized with a dark blue scarf that matched his striped jersey perfectly.

Esme guided Bella to the home pitch, hands on her shoulders. "Glad you're here, we need an umpire," Esme explained. Edward smiled. He knew Esme, and the rest of the family except maybe Rosalie, genuinely liked Bella, and the little moments of intimacy his girlfriend shared with his other favorite people made his heart feel lighter than usual.

"She thinks we cheat!" Emmett shouted from across the field. He looked at Jasper and threw the baseball he was holding to his brother. "Yeet!"

Esme sighed. "No, Emmett, I know you cheat. Call 'em as you see 'em, Bella." Bella nodded and she and Esme took up position at the home base as Rosalie and Emmett did a coin toss, which Rosalie won. The teams, as always, were blondes against brunettes, which meant Edward and his cousins versus Carlisle and the twins. Alice was the pitcher, so Edward and Emmett went to stand at the back of the field, Jasper stepping up to hit first.

Emmett, always ready to rile up his siblings and break their concentration, yelled: "Don't even try it, cowboy, you know you're gonna miss!"

Jasper looked up and smirked. "Oh yeah? Well, you're disrespecting a former US Army soldier."

They had to wait a few minutes for Alice's giggles to subside, but she was finally ready to go. Instead of making a surprise throw, Alice, of course, had to be dramatic about it. She blew Jasper a kiss before throwing up her leg and tossing the ball in his direction, with much more ferocity than her small form would suggest she was capable of. He didn't miss a beat but smashed the ball with the bat, not even looking whether his hit had landed before throwing the bat down and sprinting off. Edward was faster than Emmett, so he ran after the ball and managed to get it back to Esme at the home plate just after Jasper reached second base.

The game continued and the teams switched place. When it was Edward's turn to hit, Bella turned towards him, confusion visible on her face.

"You know you guys don't have to slow down for my sake, right?" she said. "I wouldn't want to ruin your game." The rest of the family collected around them, and Edward could almost hear Alice and Emmett's thoughts racing as they tried to find a way out of this issue.

"Yes, dear, but isn't it much more fun if you can follow what's going on?" Edward said, stroking a strand of hair out of her face. He pressed his lips together harder than usual, as he could feel the secret push against them, wanting to spill out.

Bella pouted. "But I was so excited to finally see some of those vampire powers in action." The sadness in her eyes almost made Edward's knees buckle.

Emmett, sensing his brother's weakness, said from behind him: "It would be too much for your human brain, Bella. It's better this way."

Bella turned to him now, a deep frown on her forehead. "No, it's not." She crossed her arms. "If I'm gonna be like you one day, I should at least know what I'm getting myself into."

Rosalie, face tense and so much like Jasper's when he was trying not to laugh, said: "She's right, Edward, we can't keep this up forever."

Bella only looked mildly surprised at Rosalie's support as annoyance settled over her face like a thunder cloud. "What's so bad about you running at speed that I can't see it?"

Edward swallowed, as if that would make the confession grasping around in his throat go away. "It would be too much for your human mind to process," he finally said.

"That sounds like bullshit to me," Bella retorted.

She wasn't wrong, and Edward knew he couldn't stop the words any longer. He didn't want to lie anymore, Emmett and Alice be damned. "Bella, I love you, but we're not really vampires. I just thought it was funny to say yes when you asked and then we were in too deep and I'm really sorry and I love you, did I mention that?"

Bella pressed her lips together and her eyes went, inexplicably, to Rosalie. There were five seconds of pure silence in the clearing before Rose and Bella burst into such hysterical laughter they had to lean on their respective boyfriends for support.

"What the hell?" Emmett voiced what everyone except for the two girls was thinking.

"I know, Edward. Rose told me the night of the party," Bella managed to say between giggles. She was panting now, breath coming out in desperate gasps and tears streaming down her face. "We just thought it would be fun to see you squirm for a few days before I revealed that to you."

Looking around, Edward could read his family's responses on their faces, clear as day. Emmett was in shock, staring at Rosalie as if he couldn't believe she had betrayed him like that. Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper had quickly passed over their surprise and looked primarily amused, although they were trying desperately to hide that from the more upset members of the family. It was Alice, however, who caught Edward's eye. Fury had warped her small, pixie-like face into a mask of anger as she bared her teeth and snarled, honest-to-God _snarled_ , at Rosalie. The others turned to her at the sound, even Jasper surprised at the amount of rage she projected. Alice, sweet, happy Alice, was absolutely livid.

She pointed a single, thin finger at Rose, so close to her sister's face that Rosalie stopped laughing and went a little cross-eyed trying to focus on it. Enunciating every word perfectly, Alice hissed through her teeth loud enough for the whole family to hear: "YOU. PINKY. PROMISED."


	20. The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was based on a Tumblr post I saw (https://themauvesoul.tumblr.com/post/180526767020/could-you-imagine-if-edward-had-just-been-some), so the credit for the idea goes to these people!
> 
> Since this is the last chapter, I just wanted to thank you all so much for reading this story and coming on this wild ride with me! From the bottom of my heart, thanks for all the comments and the kudos, you've been so very kind <3 I will be posting a one-shot about the Cullens playing D&D (couldn't let that one slip by) soon, and I'm also working on another longer story, so keep your eyes peeled for that!!

In the eight years Jasper had known her, he had never seen Alice this furious. On the way back to the house, Rosalie, Emmett, and Esme had decided to join Edward and Bella in the Jeep. Alice hadn't said anything, but had just started walking, and Jasper had followed her without thinking about it, Carlisle falling in line behind him.

Jasper could feel the anger radiating off her as if she was the eye of a hurricane, so intense that it almost made him angry, too. Halfway to the house, he dared to put his hand on her back, rubbing it softly as he tried to infuse her soul with calm before she had to face the rest of their family again. It helped a little; some of the tension went out her shoulders and her breathing became less shallow.

When they entered the familiar part of the forest that felt like an extension of their backyard, he said: "What's wrong, Alice." She stopped but didn't respond, and he took her shoulders and gently turned her body towards him. "Alice," he said, but she still didn't look at him. He was absently aware that Carlisle was standing a few paces away, watching their exchange. "What's. Wrong." He refused to believe this was just about their charade being over, or even just about Rosalie breaking her promise. This was a part of something else, something bigger, something he had missed despite spending almost every waking moment with Alice.

Alice bit her lip and Jasper could see tears shining in the night skies of her eyes. "I was still enjoying it," she whispered.

Jasper blinked a few times at the confession before he was able to put the pieces together. It was true; his flitty Alice, who had never been able to go a month without rearranging her room, picking up and discarding three hobbies, and creating a whole new wardrobe for herself, had loved pretending to be a vampire, even though they had been doing it for four months. She still had a running list of things she wanted to do pinned above her desk and, now that he thought about it, had changed far less in her life than usual. It was almost as if, after years of looking for herself, she had finally found that person in her vampire persona. The idea that Alice felt she needed to pretend to be a vampire to be herself hurt Jasper more than he could have imagined.

"Allie," was all he was able to say.

She shook her head. "It's okay, Jazz. I'll just go back to trying new things." The small smile she gave him made her look braver than ever.

Twigs snapped as Carlisle walked away. Jasper assumed that, now it was clear Alice didn't require her father's help, he had decided this was something between his children.

Jasper sighed. "Alice, you don't have to be some sort of cool, future-seeing vampire to be awesome. You know that, right?"

He could hear her swallow in the deafening silence before she shrugged. All he could do was pull her towards him. She remained tense for another moment before collapsing, grabbing the front of his baseball jersey and sobbing uncontrollably against his chest.

"You're all so special," Alice gasped. "Rosalie is the most beautiful and fierce girl I've ever seen, Emmett is strong and kind, Edward is so dedicated to the things he loves, and you're smart enough you should be going to a top college, but instead you're staying in Seattle for me, who has nothing to distinguish herself from anyone else around her. Seeing the future made me… special like the rest of you."

Jasper stroked her hair and let her pour her heart out, even though every word was like a punch to the stomach. How could sweet Alice, who could make anyone feel happy with a single word, think she needed a superpower to be special? And, even worse, how could he not have noticed she felt this way?

He waited until her sobs had somewhat subsided before he answered her. "Alice," he said to the top of her head. His voice was grave enough that she tilted her head upwards to look him in the eye, and he placed a hand on her cheek. "You won't believe me right now, but I will tell you this every single day until you do: all you have to do to be special is be yourself. No matter what you change in your life, you always remain kind and up-beat. Your happiness is infectious and that is why I, and I'm sure I speak for the rest of the family too, love you so much. You don't have to prove yourself to us, Alice. It's enough to just be."

He was tempted to kiss her when he saw her look of disbelief, but decided against it, not wanting to take away her ability to respond. All she said was: "You can be so sweet when you want to be."

He could feel his face split in two as he smiled in relief. She didn't seem to accept his words, but she also didn't loudly protest against them, which he decided was a win. "If you dare to tell Emmett, I'll deny it."

Alice giggled, despite a few more tears escaping from her eyes, which Jasper gently wiped away. "I think he knows."

They got back to the house half an hour later, to find the rest of the family waiting for them. Esme had made tea, now that the Cullens could eat and drink with Bella there, and Emmett had whipped up some chocolate chip cookies. The first one, still warm, was presented to Alice when they saw her face, but they didn't comment on her tear-streaked cheeks, or on the fact that she quickly ran upstairs to wash them off. When she returned, she was wearing her pajamas and a hoodie Jasper was pretty sure had been his originally, and she curled up against him on the couch.

Carlisle, who had replaced his baseball scarf with an apple-printed one Esme had given him on his first official day as a real doctor, cleared his throat. "Ladies," he said, turning to Rosalie and Bella, "tell us everything."

The two, sometimes interrupted by each other or their own laughter, described how Bella, on the night of the party, had cornered Rosalie to finally demand an explanation for Rose's cold behavior towards her. Rosalie, unwilling to lie again despite the badass backstory she had come up with, had finally broken down and told her the truth. When planning their revenge, they had decided against telling the rest of the family; mostly because they thought they deserved to be pranked back, but, in Jasper's case, as Rosalie put it, because he wouldn't know how to keep his mouth shut.

"Fair," Jasper commented. "Hurtful, but fair."

Rosalie grinned at him. "Glad you're so self-aware, kid." Jasper pulled a face but didn't answer, and Alice snickered against his chest. The sound filled him with hope but also with something more akin to desperation; Alice was the only person who could genuinely laugh so close to a breakdown, and also the only person who wouldn't think she was special because of it.

"Bella," Edward said, when the girls had finished their story, "I don't know whether it's incredibly smart or incredibly stupid to ask you this in front of my family-"

He was interrupted by Emmett, who said: "Probably stupid, since it's you."

An angry look from Esme had him mumbling an apology, and Edward continued: "But are you still willing to go out with me after this?"

Jasper could sense Edward's anxiety around the subject. Despite his enjoyment in pulling a prank on Bella, Edward was as head over heels in love with her as Jasper with Alice or Emmett with Rosalie. A single word from her could destroy his brother's heart forever, and Jasper honestly wasn't sure whose side he would be on if Bella turned him down.

Bella thought about it for a few moments, and the panic on Edward's face increased with every second that ticked by. Jasper watched her through narrowed eyes, then flicked his gaze towards Rosalie, who was smiling. She wouldn't be doing that if she thought the answer could be no; maybe Bella just wasn't letting Edward off the hook yet.

"Yes," Bella finally said, which was met with a sigh of relief from Edward as he slumped back into his chair, and a victorious whoop from Emmett. "But," at that, Edward sat up straight again, "you'll have to work to regain my trust." Edward nodded, and Jasper thought it was the most favorable response she could have given him. Part of him had expected Bella to just call her father, who would've shown up in such a rage the house wouldn't have been left standing.

Instead, Charlie Swan was invited to the Cullen residence that night to enjoy Esme's lasagna, an official first meeting between the parents that went surprisingly smoothly. Jasper sat quietly at the end of the table, one arm draped over Alice's shoulders as she tried her best to be her chipper self. Although in this reality neither of them could be sure what the future held, he knew that he would be by her side for the rest of their albeit non-immortal lives. He could see in the faces of his siblings they weren't the only ones who thought about their relationship this way; no matter what happened, it was hard to imagine Rosalie and Emmett or even Edward and Bella would ever be apart. They would just have to make the time they did have together count. He smiled to himself as he realized that this elaborate prank could only be the beginning of a series of many.


End file.
